Intimate strangers

It seems like I have disappeared again after my last post, leaving everyone in suspense. I don't have any more news to add on that front as of yet. I've been spending most of my free time looking for a used car. Added to that, I've worked a night gig followed by a daytime gig this weekend, so I haven't been home since yesterday afternoon. Time for reflection or having a chance to interact with engineering girl has been scarce, let alone having time to post anything. However, as I was enroute back to the warehouse after being in Connecticut all day, I had a moment to reflect on how different the entertainment industry is from the mainstream world.

For instance, there is an undeniable intimacy that the crew and entertainers have that you couldn't have, say, in a fast food restaurant. Things that pass as the norm in the entertainment industry might be considered sexual harrasment elsewhere. With the press of being on cue and the need to project to the audience that time has passed in the time between scene changes, modesty is a virtue that quickly flies out the back stage door. One of those reasons is because of the quick change.

Quick changes are what actors and actresses do when they have no time to run down to the dressing room to change. They just strip down right there on the side of the stage and pull on a new costume. It's probably the most stressful thing an actor or actress must go through while off the stage (besides getting hurt or forgetting their lines). In that rush to put some part of their costume on, they inevitably put something on backwards. This is where some crew member might help them get things back on correctly.

In some cases, they will wear several layers of clothing under those bright lights, dancing as if the suit or dress they had on was the only layer they wore. I have seen one guy who had worn three suits on stage and between scenes stripped off layer after layer. He would wipe off the perspiration as he walked off the set. It's part of the reason that the air conditioning is so cold up near the stage.

In my own experience, I have been used as a coat rack, body shield for a quick change, wardrobe arranger, and the person assisting in doing the quick changes. I have seen actors and actresses in states of undress that their significant others would certainly object to if they ever found out. Some might think this would be "exciting" and they would be wrong.

First, you won't remain long on the crew if you look for more than fifteen seconds. Second, it's no fun to know how hairy someone's back is. Guys usually don't get to help the women quick change. (Unless there is a very small crew doing the show.) Third, most actresses don't appreciate it very much if they catch you looking. (Actors, depending on their preference, will mind or not mind at all.) There are other reasons, but they're not relavent to this topic.

So what prompted me to get on this topic as I returned from Connecticut? Well, when we set up, we wear our "street" clothes so that we look nice when the party starts. When the girl in charge of the photography stuff went to change into her "party" clothes, she discovered that her pants zipper had ripped, and she was having trouble keeping her modesty while performing the tasks she had to do. She mentioned her issue to the rest of the guys on the crew.

I found some two inch pins that tailors use to pin hems in place and gave them to her to "tie" her pants together for the party. Well, she was afraid that she might stick herself. Since I was the guy who had found her the pins, I wound up offering her my pliers to bend the pins. Unfortunately, she couldn't get enough leverage from her angle to bend the pins.

I should point out that I had just met her for the first time thirty minutes ago. Anyway, I found myself on my knees, my face at the level of her waist line, my hands on the front of her pants touching her far more intimately than any guy should on meeting a woman for the first time, trying to bend the pin away from her abdomen. (I won't mention what her boyfriend may think about me doing this.) A few minutes later, I had the pin bent into a "U" that kept the point away from her skin.

As I was pinning her pants in place, I was very conscious of where my hands were. I'm not saying that I took advantage of her in this situation, since I acted entirely the gentleman about it. It's just that I knew exactly where my hands were on her body and it can be a bit distracting if one thinks about it even for a moment. She was grateful when I had completed my "repair", and then began to prep the display table. Then, I went back to helping the rest of the crew set up the sound equipment.

Of course, the rest of the guys on the crew had been watching from across the room and were quite amused at what I had just done. Some of these guys even congratulated me on my apparent speed at gaining intimacy with her. It was at this point that I explained to them that she already had a boyfriend. This settled down some of their amusement, but I had gained some "respect" in their eyes.

I can only marvel at what expedience does to modesty when the pressure is on. Even though I had her permission, if I had been seen doing this in a more public place, I would certainly have gotten in some form of trouble. This is what I mean when there can be a level of intimacy one wouldn't experience elsewhere except in the entertainment industry, where appearance matters most as part of a first impression.

Only a few weeks ago, I had mentioned how I have been deprived from feminine contact. Not exactly how I pictured the rekindling of that contact beginning in light of this experience, and in light of my last post. How far away those feelings seem still.

Great balls of fire

I went back to class yesterday, high on the fact that I once again have an income, and knowing that I can continue my education. I was thinking that I might make it through all of this without too many scars. Of course, once I was in class, things became very interesting. Remember that girl with the wheelchair bound boyfriend that I had mentioned earlier whom I had resigned myself to being merely friends?

Well, as we were working together on one of the labs, things started back up as if nothing had happened. We were teasing each other and horsing around again. I was getting this intense vibe that seemed to shout, "I'm available!" from her. That unmistakable feeling that makes it clear that someone is interested in another person.

I couldn't be sure if it was merely unintentional or if she was making it clear to me that she was ready to move on. I was thinking that this situation needed to cool down since she already had a boyfriend. When I warned her that if she kept teasing me like this, I might have to do something drastic, she responded with, "So, what are you going to do about it?"

I don't know about you, but that seemed like a direct challenge to me. Kind of like building up a wall and telling me not to go through it. Drawing a line on the floor and telling me not to cross it to get to the treasure chest on the other side. Daring me not to do something that would just place me in a world of trouble. And in the back of my mind, I kept seeing her kissing that wheel chair bound guy.

As I looked at her face, I could see an expectant smile on her face. There were a number of thoughts running through my head and I couldn't pick just one thing I wanted to do. I could keep this thing going by encouraging this relationship. I could do something that would just make her irritated with me, which might egg her on to greater lengths that would build up the tension already crackling between us. I knew I wanted touch her and I knew that this wasn't the right thing to do. Besides this, I knew I needed to defuse this situation before it blew up in my face.

So, I chose to go on the higher path and told her that she'd just have to wait and see, thinking that this would give me a bit of reprieve from making a real choice. I could tell that she was disappointed. She gave me a slow smile and said to me that I "didn't have the balls to do anything."

Too late. It blew up. The glove has been tossed.

What the heck? I am trying to slow this thing down, and she was telling me that I was afraid! I think I need to sit down and have that talk with her about what is going on between us. I need to know if I am being that jerk who steals the girl away from another guy who can't do anything to stop it.

Impressions of the new guy.

Disclaimer: The following post is my own impression of my weekend of work at an entertainment company and in no way represents the company for which I work for, nor in any way attempts to offer any service in which they provide. Names have been removed and are not intended to accurately reflect those who may or may not have been involved in the events that I worked at. Any likeliness is merely coincidence.

What a contrast, the two gigs that I have had the opportunity to work at. One a wedding, the other was an anniversary dinner party. The prior was held at a county owned multipurpose center turned guest hall. The latter was held at a posh country club with private golf course. Attire for the guests ranged from revealing at the wedding to restrained at the dinner party. For the first gig, musical selections ran from Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle to the Electric Slide by Marcia Griffiths. The second gig had music by Maxi Priest, David Grusin, Fernando Ortega, Ray Obiedo, and Anne Murphy.

The wedding was a celebration of the beginning of a new relationship in which the guests dined on chicken francaise, crabmeat stuffed steak, and grilled salmon. They hopped and danced to Eric Clapton's Wonderful Tonight, Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You, Louie Armstrong's What a Wonderful World, DJ Casper's Cha Cha Slide and 50 Cent's In Da Club. For some of the guests, it was open license to "relax" and uninhibit themselves from their normal lives. The "sandwich" dance (think of meat surrounded by two buns) was very much in evidence as well as close contact body dancing.

Besides that, there were the unusual requests to get the bride and groom to perform karaoke, the requests for music that shouldn't be played at a wedding (we were asked to play Gold Digger by Kanye West) no matter the veracity of the claims, and for one woman, a request to dance alone with the bride in front of the guests. Intoxication and thinking clearly really didn't go hand in hand that night.

Perhaps the funniest part of the evening had to be when the emcee, in an attempt to get people on the dance floor, hopped on one of the subwoofer cabinets, then directed them out of their seats and onto the floor where he had them dancing to Dollar by Colin Lucas. I could barely repress my laughter as he did this, especially with the sight of all those people dancing to such a risque song. When he finished directing them, he got off the subwoofer and commented to the DJ and me that he hadn't had to resort to that tactic in years. Then he demanded that we not tell anyone. Since I am not naming names, I can't really be telling anyone about it can I? ;)

The room, itself, was the common room of the building. It had a peaked ceiling with support beams stretched across the room and chandeliers hanging from the peak between each crossbeam support. Fake ferns had been stretched across the cross beams to hide the various electrical fixtures that powered the room's spotlights. Candelabras hung from the walls with those tapered chandelier bulbs. We set up in the recessed stage opposite from a six foot tall fake fireplace covered with white roses.

For a first gig, it was a wild night that certainly kept me amused as I listened to the commentary from both the DJ and the emcee. I suppose that both, having been veterans of this industry, that they have just about seen it all and become jaded. Only through the eyes of a new guy, like me, would they ever notice that what was being said might sound a bit inappropriate. One made the comment to me during the reception that after a while, each engagement becomes impersonal very quickly. And he was right.

I am probably going to burst a few bubbles and misconceptions about professionals in the entertainment industry. Yet, how can it not become impersonal, when all you really remember are the names of the people responsible for the decisions as well as the name of the guest(s) of honor? When all we do is present our "professionalism" that is intended to make you feel comfortable about our competence, regardless of how green we may actually be.

If we do our jobs correctly, the guests will remember a happy time that had no mishaps. They will only remember the antics of friends and family during the reception. We, the guys providing the music, won't remember it very well because there were no screw ups. We will have heard the delightful music that is played at weddings ad nausem. And tomorrow, we might have another gig that could be as far different as an anniversary party.

The anniversary party, that I did the next afternoon, was a celebration of the continuation of a relationship that had been going fifty years strong with the intention of lasting even longer as they shared heart warming stories about their life together and how their love for each other began. Inspirational toasts and recollections abounded. There was the hired violinist who seranaded the happy couple as they were surrounded by their extended family. Jazz and Jamaican music played softly in the background as they dined on chicken marsala, teriyaki salmon, or stuffed filet of sole. Dancing was expressly prohibited by the client.

And I mustn't forget to mention the cake. Jamaican Rum Raisin cake with a crumbly whipped sugared icing. Wow. One small slice and I felt like I had taken a couple of rum shots. My poor asian metabolism reacted immediately to all the alcohol, which was exhibited by my bright red face. If I ever find out who made that cake, I suspect I am going to be a repeat visitor to their kitchen to lick up the extra icing.

The event was held at a posh gated country club that had a mansion built on the grounds surrounded by a private golf course. When we arrived, the rain had relented enough that we were actually dry when we wheeled the equipment in to the dining room. This room had a vaulted ceiling with solid oak beams of which the bottom sides of the beams had been covered with mosiac tiles that gently glinted the light shone up from below. Peaked windows along the sides of the dining hall allowed the greyish light filter through. Colored flood lights lit the oaken beams to highlight the slightly moorish architecture and pale beige stucco walls. Bejeweled candelabras mounted from the walls light the main dining area. At one end, which had a wonderful view of the nine hole, the bar and beer tap had been wheeled into place. We set up beside the bar.

I made a comment to the DJ prior to entering the dinner party after reading the "party schedule sheet" that judging from the requested music, we were going to be a glorified sound system, and in the end, that is exactly what we were. The music we were asked to play ranged from quiet inspirational music to instrumental jazz. I can't help but liken listening to jazz music with nothing to do akin to listening to elevator music when the elevator stops working. It's not bad when you want to relax. Yet, when you've been up until three or four in the morning doing the previous gig and working this gig with four and a half hours of sleep (I never did get back to sleep), relaxing music puts you in that mode where all you want to do is sleep.

Sadly, during the dinner party, there were some major technical glitches. One issue is due to the DJ not doing a proper sound check. (This guy was not part of the same crew I worked with the night before, plus there wasn't an emcee.) There was a considerable amount of unwelcome feedback during the speeches and toasts. The other was a snafu that I have seen time and time again. We are supplied with "fresh" 9V batteries to power the microphones. Well, let's just say that they were not very fresh and the microphone cut out several times.

I was quite embarrased, but since I wasn't the "lead" guy, I couldn't do much about it. I was there only to set up and break down the equipment. It was at this point that I learned how green my "lead" guy was. He had been a DJ for less than a year, and a roadie for two years. He apparently wasn't familiar with how the microphones were connected to the DJ board, and had been turning the wrong volume knob the entire time.

When he figured this out, I decided that now was a good time to really look at the board using my own experience and I saw something I was taught to be wrong. He was running the board at max volume. Besides the risk of burning out the board, this was likely the real reason why we were getting feedback. Don't get me wrong here, while he is very green in my eyes, his potential as a DJ is high, because he knew when the right time to switch moods using the right music. He just needs someone to teach him the finer points. More importantly, doing this gig stretches a DJ giving him experience in areas he would never go on his own.

All in all, I have seen what I suspect is the gamut of celebration, from unrestrained to elegant. I am learning a new occupation by watching what each DJ is doing right and what they are doing wrong. I am getting an eye-opening lesson on the entertainment industry that will change how I see these professionals. If I can get over my concerns, my natural intelligence may take me far in this company.

I suspect that my major concern as I continue to do this type of work is that as time goes by, I will probably be able to know just about every possible way to play wedding music and through this repetition, these songs may not have any more real meaning to me. That I will be as jaded as the DJ and emcee at that wedding, able to portray that happiness without the feeling that once existed there. Will I become as impersonal as time goes by and I learn what I need to know to do this job?

Hired!

I'm just a bit hung over, and certainly still tired from being out late last night. The only reason I am awake right now is due to my internal clock telling me to be awake and I am not tired enough to get back to sleep. Why am I tired and hung over? I just completed my first day of work as a roadie. Yup. I have a job.

Allow me to explain a little better. I am now working as a roadie for a DJ company. I am responsible for doing the load in, setup and load out. My first gig was a wedding in Long Island that went from 7pm to 2am in the morning. A wedding that had an open bar. So, as the happy couple celebrated with their family and friends, I did a bit of celebrating of my own. ;)

Remember how I had been observing that the pay for this job was terrible? I was wrong. No, I haven't gotten paid yet, but I didn't count on the additional perks that DJ's and emcees get at any engagement. Perks like a free dinner, free drinks, and best of all, I had forgotten to take into account that you are supposed to tip the entertainment at the end of the night. And in return, the DJ and emcee tips the roadie.

So, the perks that they enjoyed, I also enjoyed. And, during the entire affair, I am paid to sit around. Not to mention that I will certainly have an opportunity to meet new single women I wouldn't otherwise meet. Best of all, I still have plenty of time to study. This job is turning out to have a huge silver lining that entirely makes up for the "poor" pay.

Besides the perks, I actually had a fun time, joking around with the DJ and emcee. Also, as the new guy, I was getting ribbed by the maitre d' as well as the guys I was working with during the night. I took it all in good humor. Occasionally, I had a few good rejoinders. As, I said before, I had a fun night that I hadn't counted on.

While it's unlikely that one evening is going to show me that this is what it is going to be like on a regular basis, it's a pretty good indicator that I will be enjoying my time at the very least. I have another gig today as well. I don't know what it is and I don't know where I'm going, but I am counting on having a good time. I think I will post my impressions of what it is like to be on the "other" side after doing both gigs.

As for that last interview, the guy called in sick, so it has been rescheduled to next week. I have a feeling that I won't be taking that position. I can't imagine why.

Anyway, time to see if I can get some more shut eye before the gig today.

You're hired?

Just a quick update for those who remain interested in my travails in finding employment or risk ending my education and career upgrade. Ok, knowing me, maybe not so quick.

The second interview went really well. The pay rate stinks for a new guy, as I will be making about two thirds of what I need to get by per week, assuming that I get three days worth of work (Friday-Sunday). However, they have already told me that this is their busy season, so I will likely have all the jobs I can handle. During the summer, this can actually be a good thing. It's a bit stressful, but from the tour I received of their shop, they run a very tight ship, so it shouldn't be too bad.

Besides that, once I have demonstrated my facility with more advanced equipment, my pay per job increases by fifty percent. And the pay can actually double as I handle more and more things. As far as I know, my pay could end up being three times what I am making at the start as I learn everything. I will know for sure on Friday.

I was barely able to restrain my enthusiasm for the rest of the day after that interview. Which is only tempered by the fact that I haven't officially gotten the job yet. But not tempered very much. Prospects look very, very good though. Best of all, I expect that the pay increases will happen quickly because I already have the experience required for this position.

What experience is that, you ask? I used to do tech work for local venues. Musicals, plays, concerts... You name it and I have probably done a few of them. *grin* Probably the only two positions I never had the misfortune of being employed in would be director and producer. Oh wait. Did the backup director thing when the real director was out sick during a production. I remember that I was totally unprepared for that and I knew it was something I never wanted to do again.

I've been the stupid fool hanging off of light trusses trying to hang up lights tens of feet up in the air, running thousands of feet of cables, doing mic checks, angling the speakers so that the sweet spot is bigger, and dodging falling sandbags while running on stage to remove props during a scene change in the darkness. All of it for little or no pay. Not to mention that I have designed sets as well as lighting plots for several productions.

I didn't pursue this career because the pay was terrible unless I somehow managed to make it into the union. Which was unlikely, unless I knew someone already in it. And if anyone thinks that the stress is higher in a call center, I can say that both are equally as stressful, because I have done both jobs. Though, having been berated by a stage manager because I was two inches too far on stage, I can tell you that in a call center, you don't have to be perfect every single time. (I despised and quietly cursed that set designer for designing the sets with one and a half inches of clearance.)

And also, there is one other position that I've not done: I have never had to be an actor on stage. Came close more times then I care to mention. Ohhhh. Alright, I'll mention a couple of the funnier ones.

There was this time they asked if I would fill in for someone and be the twelfth apostle in Jesus Christ Superstar. I responded with: "What? You want me to be the twelvth apostle and sing? Have you seen Da Vinci's Last Supper? There weren't any asian guys in it!" (I left out the colorful comment about them being bereft of their senses.) I was studying the lyrics to the songs minutes before opening and they were telling me that I had to put on my make up when the guy who had been delayed finally showed up. I almost made my stage debut that night.

Then there was the time I was asked to be a polynesian guy in South Pacific wearing nothing but my skivvies and a cloth towel. I nixed that idea real fast. I wasn't at all worried about the women checking me out, if you know what I mean. (Having been asked out by someone of the same sex, I can say it's an awkward feeling when you find yourself in this situation and have no idea about their preferences.)

So, what will my potential job be that requires this kind of experience? A roadie. That's right, I will be attending local bar and bat mitzvahs as well as weddings receptions to set up the music and lighting equipment. And when the bash is all over, I will be the guy rushing around to make it all disappear. Suddenly, all that work striking stage, sound and lighting equipment is paying off in a big way.

I am very much looking forward to Friday. I may have a job! And I still have one more interview to go on Thursday and they may offer something better. Who knows, I may be working two jobs. Besides, I am very done with tooting my own horn. ;)

The poor keep on getting poorer

Tax day, the most dreaded day of the year for most procrastinators. I actually mailed my filing on Saturday, so I made it in the nick of time. After doing the taxes for last year, it wasn't any surprise that I skirted right by the line of making more than minimum wage via the unemployment insurance I collected last year. I didn't realize how much my finances had dried up until I filed my income tax. *sigh*

They say that ignorance is bliss, and on this matter, I firmly believe that. I wasn't nearly so bummed out as when I completed the paperwork and saw how little I had earned. On the bright side, in several weeks, I will receive the fruits of my labor withheld from me by the government on the assumption that I would owe taxes. More money that I hadn't counted on that might help me keep trucking on.

Today, I completed my financial aid forms to see what they will declare as my "portion" of the school bills. Last year at this time, I was told that I made too much the year before to get any tuition assistance. I hope that they wizen up this year and actually realize I am flat broke and ease my burden a bit. I calculated (being the engineer that I am) how much of last year's income went to paying my tuition, and the ratio was about 60% before counting books and school supplies.

This year, I anticipate that my income will be about two thirds of last year's, since I am still unemployed and haven't earned any income this year at all and it is almost one third over. The outlook isn't good, and I hope that these interviews pan out soon.

Speaking of interviews, interview #1 went okay, well, kind of. As usual, when I told them about my class schedule, they immediately changed their tune saying that part timers only work in the afternoon, and this will turn me into a casual worker because I am not always available. They told me that this means I am not entitled to benefits or permitted to participate in their retirement plan. On top of that, there would be no vacation for me and it would be unlikely for me to be eligible for a regular guaranteed shift.

What's worse is that their advertised pay isn't entirely accurate. You have to work there a year to earn that pay rate. And if for any reason I leave prior to working there for at least six months, I owe them $400. On top of that, the licenses I am required to have to do the job (a commercial driver's license) is out of my already empty pockets. To top it all off, I don't get paid for training (even though they advertise this) unless I drive a route that day.

There's more bad news, but I'm sure everyone gets the picture of the number of hurdles thrown in my path. I wish this happened to be an abnormal case, so that I could be outraged by the caveats that weren't advertised. But, I have been getting garbage like this at just about every place I am interviewed at.

Well, tomorrow is another interview and I hope it fares better than the last.

Update - Business as usual

I would very much like to be able to share the happy news today that I am no longer amongst the unemployed. Unfortunately, that is not the case. All is not lost, however. There is some good news to share. I have three follow-up interviews next week. Best of all, all three employers are actually willing to be flexible enough to work around my class schedule, and have made clear to me that the pay is more than enough for me to live on without resorting to tuna fish sandwiches and trail mix every morning, noon, and night.

That is the good news. I will be able to finish out the semester, and possibly afford to pay for the rest of my schooling. (If you could only see the ear to ear grin on my face.) None of the offers requires that I get in front of a class to teach, which is a relief for me, since I dislike public speaking. There is a chance that with one of the offers, I may be constantly working with children.

Back to the regularly scheduled programming of me lamenting over my personal, yet lackluster quest to find that mate who wants to be a part of my life. Not that this is a good time for me to be thinking about it, but I guess when Opportunity knocks, there isn't any point in not opening the door to see what is offered.

About four years ago, I was invited to a friend's birthday party. She was aspiring to be a professional dancer, and had diverse friends from many backgrounds. At the time, I was interested in someone else, but hadn't worked out enough of the details with her to feel comfortable enough to invite her to come along as my guest. So, I planned on going there alone. Not the first time I went alone to someone's social function, and probably not the last time for me either.

Since my birthday friend had many friends from all over the metro area, it was no surprise that an email started going around for those in the need of a ride looking for drivers. I lived ten minutes away, so I didn't think to offer anyone a lift. However, one email struck me as I read through them seeing if there were any updates to the party plans. The person writing that informational email had a very intelligent and energetic way of writing. There was, to steal terminology that they use to describe singers, a timbre that resonated for me. I didn't know her, but I thought that from her email that she would be exciting, extroverted, and effervescent. For now, I will call her MK.

I looked forward to meeting MK and seeing if all that energy translated into the real person as well. I was not disappointed. When MK walked in to the party, I knew it was her. When I had the chance, I told MK that I knew who she was by the email that she had written. She commented to me that I wasn't the only one to recognize her by her email. But like most extroverted people, MK bounced around from group to group, and keeping MK's attention would require effort that I knew I wasn't ready to devote. Especially since I was already interested in someone else.

Because of the fact that MK lived within the borders of New York City, I didn't think to follow up on her, and I didn't expect to have many opportunities to socialize with her. Things were progressing well with the girl I had prior interest in. I am not one who likes to juggle, so to speak.

A few months passed and that relationship ended in a ball of flames. It ended based on how little time I was spending with the girl. Her complaint was justifiable. I was travelling all over the country for my company fixing machines. I would be home long enough to rest, do my laundry and then repeat. I didn't have time for her, and well, counting on her to wait for things to settle in my job backfired. And thus, began the "drought".

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and another friend wanted to get together to play some tabletop role-playing and needed experienced role players to augment the new people that were playing. So, with nothing better to do for entertainment, and with the promise that the entertainment would be free, I agreed to participate. I drove over to my friend's place and prepared to role play to the hilt.

Lo and behold, MK was among the new comers who was interested in participating. I learned that she had gotten her degree and she was now working as a teacher since we had last met. She still had that energy that impressed me so much the last time, but now that I could focus my attention on her in such a small group of people, I could see just how intelligent MK was. Mixed into this complex ball of intelligence and energy was that cute girlish, I've got a hole in the back of my head personality that both amused me and irritated me.

Fortunately, MK is capable of turning that personality on and off like a switch. When she speaks to me, it is always with the engaging intelligence that attracted me before. Still, there were times that she would say something totally at odds with that intelligence that I couldn't be sure if she really didn't understand or if she was just joking. Was it naivety or merely disingenuity? I could not tell if my life depended on it.

With such a quirky mix of personality, I'm not sure if I am interested or put off. I'm not sure that I am capable of getting into a relationship in light of the wreck my life is right now. As I've said before, relationships require constant attention. Without having a reliable means of travel, how does one maintain this interest? Soon, I may have a job, further complicating my life and stealing even more valuable time from my studies, let alone the time I would need for a relationship. Where does one find the time? How do some of the guys I know manage? Perhaps sleep is overrated.

We've met for three or four sessions now, and I wonder at what she thinks about me. Prior to this week, I hadn't put much thought on my interest in her. In fact, I had hardly considered her at all. I just hope that I am not bouncing from one relationship and into another just for the sake of having somebody to be interested in.

The search for employment

I've been doing a lot of my job searching online this week, using indeed.com's website to give me a look at all the part time jobs available. I've noticed that there are a lot of jobs available in New Jersey and Connecticut. Not so many in New York, though. I think I begin to see a pattern here. Few jobs available in New York, larger number of employable people looking for jobs, more people filing for unemployment, recently getting cut off from unemployment insurance... Maybe it's just me seeing something that isn't really there.

I do have to say that there are some really interesting jobs that you can be hired for. There was one help wanted ad that threw me for a loop happened to be a job offer seeking part time experienced phlebotomists. I had absolutely no idea what the heck that was or meant. Thank goodness for online dictionaries. Phlebotomy is the ancient skill of blood letting. Or in more conventional terms, blood drawing. You know, that reminds me. I had a friend that used to drive blood packets around to hospitals at night. I think I may have to check this one out. Nope. Nothing available in this area.

A number of people suggested that I get a substitute teaching job. I looked into this, a Teaching Fellowship program and according to their site, the eligbility requirements insist on a minor in education and be certified to teach. Besides that, I need to graduate by the end of this semester. Three strikes and I am out of luck.

However, I also saw this at another site that gives me hope. It's possible for me to teach up to forty days a year. I still find it amusing that I might be teaching students in a classroom environment. I don't know if I can keep their attention for forty to sixty minutes. Or how to react when one of those students misbehaves. It should be interesting if I am hired.

So far, I have yet to figure out exactly where to go to be considered for this. It appears that you have to apply to each school district individually, so I intend to keep looking on this vein. Who knows, it might pan out and I end up being a teacher? Perish the thought. (No offense to any teachers out there, I just don't think I have the patience for it.)

There were also several part time jobs that I might have been hired for, if it weren't for the hours. Some of my classes start at noon, and other classes don't end until 10:30 pm. Far too many employers wanted to hire for afternoon shifts or 10am-3pm shifts. I won't even discuss what some jobs are offering per hour. It's not that they won't be flexible with the hours, they simply don't pay enough for me to work twenty or twenty five hours a week and continue to afford going to class.

I'm getting depressed just writing this post. With all this searching, it is becoming quite evident that I won't find a part time job that meets my needs. I guess I know what that means: Endgame.

Regardless of what happens, by the next post, I will know what my decision will be. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to pass on the happy news.

Disconnect from possessions

Yes, I'm displaying my lack of artistical talent for all to see.

I read K's post regarding attachment to objects, and I entirely understood what her teacher's intent was in that lesson. In having that accident, I couldn't understand why I was so happy. It took a while for me to understand how I could feel so carefree despite my repeated losses. In the hectic rush to find a job and searching for a new mode of transportation, I have had little time to be introspective. I was reacting to life's punches, not taking control of it. And by not being in control, chance was directing my life.

With the constant, unceasing maintenance that a twelve year old car really needs to keep it running, I had been pouring alot of money into it. (Instead, I now throw my money into a fifteen year old van. I learned really well from the first time, no?) In dog years, the poor thing was well over eighty. For a car that has been operated nearly daily through every day of it's operating life, it wasn't a surprise that things were starting to wear out. The issue was that with each repair, the mounting labor costs were making me see red everytime I had to pay for the repairs. Even when I did have the repairs done, I knew in the back of my mind that in a month or two, I would have to pay for more impending repairs.

I had once posted about the expectations of other people in my life as well as how their interaction and needs affected my life. (Above, you see the art that I created for that post. Well, I consider it art.) At no point did I consider that the possessions in my life also demanded my attention. Through my attachment to my car, I kept holding onto a car which was draining thousands of dollars a year through repairs that could have gone towards monthly payments to a new(er) car.

With that understanding, it makes completely perfect sense for me to feel so carefree and happy. I no longer carry the quiet dissatisfaction and constant reminder that there is something else that needs to be fixed each time I drove. Instead, I listen to the loud racket of my father's van as it slowly winds up to speed, drivers cursing me as they swerve around the slow moving elephant. Only this time, I know that the thing is intended to slowly fall apart, and so long as it still putters along, the only maintenance it will get is the bare minimum to keep it alive until I find a new vehicle.

(Right, already made a liar out of myself. I have started doing things to fix some of the more egregious issues like no antifreeze in the radiator as well as no brake fluid in the reservoir. And added this o-ring restorative and two quarts of oil that the "beast" had already burned through. Also removed the rust off the door connection that kept activating the door ajar light. That darn compulsion to fix things. I do have to say that it runs better now. Now if only I could get better gas mileage...)

As far as the job search has been going, I am 0 for 4. Tomorrow, I have some more places lined up. I keep in mind that unlike a batter in baseball, I only need to succeed once to hit a homerun.

A Week of Bad Days

I am going to continue my current train of thought, which happens to be my mental recovery from an unexpected detour off the path I had laid for myself in this life and discuss something about my new plans. Instead of the original track about chasing Love in its unceasing jaunt through my life. As I pointed out to my friend, no matter what happens with her, if I can't straighten out my own life, romance is pointless.

I have had several close friends whom, after learning of my plans to quit schooling effective Monday, have urged me to stay in classes. At the very least for this semester. They have pointed out to me that May 19th, or the end of this current semester, is just over a month away. Even a professor, whom I had to explain my situation to, encouraged me to hang on until the end of the semester. I am hesitant to delay gaining full time employment until then. When I consider my available funds, I have just enough at my current frugal budget to last out until July.

My generous and loving parents have lent me my father's commuting vehicle, a beat up van, that guzzles gas at twice the rate of my old car and burns a quart of oil a month. I am not complaining about their generousity. I am merely observing that my expenses have just increased. Not to mention that my insurance premium is most certainly going up. Of course, good used cars don't come cheaply, either.

A while back, I had written this post about what we believe in. In it, I quoted a verse out of the bible and inferred that God will not tempt us more than we can bear. In spite of the foolishness in questioning these things, I really wonder how big my shoulders must be to continue taking this kind of a beating and somehow recover from it all. In that post, I also joked about God's sense of humor. I can almost laugh about where that's gotten me. I'm not saying that I attribute this to His direct intervention, but there is a glaring coincidence that I can't seem to overlook. At the least, I can still say that I am alive.

I cannot tell you, my readers, how much of a relief it will be to finally go to a job interview and be told that I am hired. The continual strain of watching my dwindling cash reserves as well as the, as of today, fruitless search for a job that can be flexible enough to permit me to continue my education has taken a great toll on my mental health.

Nearly every single job that I have been interviewed for cited my hours of availability as the reason they have refused to hire me. I even had a friend pull strings for me to get me an interview at a company he is well connected at and they still declined to hire me for the same reason, in spite of his glowing recommendation.

Based on this mounting discouragement, I have made my decision to stop my schooling. As much as it pains me to do this, knowing full well that like the path not chosen, it is unlikely I will ever return for the schooling I need to become an engineer. Monday is the start of spring break for my school. During this week, I will seek some form of employment that can meet my financial needs. If I can't find something that works with my current school scheduling, I will not be going back.

As for that girl in the engineering class, I have more bad news to share. (Will it ever end?) On the last day before spring break started, I met her boyfriend. Yes. Her boyfriend. Which was not me. How do I know that they are in a relationship? Allow me to explain how I found out.

I was exiting my class and they were heading down the hall together. As they waited for the elevator, she leant over and kissed him on the lips. Then they entered the elevator together. Her back was to me, so she never saw me as I watched them depart. He, the boyfriend, is wheelchair bound and a paraplegic. Whatever life has thrown my way so far, I am still an able bodied person. Sadly, I know that there is no way that I will, in good conscience, seperate her from him.

My affection remains unrequited. I am moving on, the little bit of time and thought that I invested in that failed relationship was well spent, as it reminded me of what I had forgotten. The risk worthy of the reward, I suppose. Someday, I might find Love again, and it will make me happy. (Cue Daniel Powter's Bad Day.)

In the meantime, Monday starts the full on search for employment. By the end of next week, I may well be saying, "Would you like some fries with that order?" Maybe I will be able to swallow my pride enough. Just maybe.

On absurdity and laughter

I am not a bit surprised that my last post garnered no comments from my usual readership. It was definitely not in line with the rest of my previous posts, nor was it of the same quality as other posts in the past. Besides that, I've been rather delinquent with posting comments, so to expect any comments would effectively place me solidly in the land of delusion.

Yet, for me, writing that post was, in a sense, a renewal. A reminder that laughter is the product of dealing with a situation so absurd, that it becomes funny. Where, when the mind can't cope with the situation, it shuts down and the more instinctual part of the mind regards how ridiculous the situation is. It is at this point that laughter comes to the fore.

It is a return to the child-like state of wonder where things are still funny no matter how silly or inane they are. As adults, we don't find them to be so amusing because we guard ourselves against embarrassment. Once status has been attained, things that used to be funny no longer can be and continue maintaining that status.

Consider it akin to telling a knock-knock joke to an adult. If the person telling the joke is an adult, the person responding to the joke quickly becomes wary, looking for the punchline that makes them look silly. For a child, they will respond, eyes aglow, wondering what the punchline is. And then, if they think it is funny, they will laugh.

If a child tells the joke, the adult will patiently play along, and laugh politely. When another child is the receipient of the joke, their reaction is about the same as before. It is only when the children begin to emulate adults that they start to respond negatively. *

So, it goes with the absurdity of pulling a childish prank in the depths of my bad situation which multiplies exponentially the amusement factor it would usually engender. (I suppose that this is only funny from a guy's point of view. Every guy that I have told the preceding story to has laughed uncontrollably. Only one female, out of a handful that I have repeated the story for, found it slightly amusing. The rest were appalled.) In a less stressed state, I would normally not consider doing something so silly and inappropriate. With the increasing stress, I look for any possible way to relieve the stress before it becomes excessive and like a volcano, I relieve the stress in an angry eruption.

Through the laughter, I find a release that allows me to de-stress before things become untenable. And what's the point of life if we can't laugh at something we think is funny? Here's to finding laughter throughout life.


* (Granted, this is largely based on what I have observed, your mileage may vary.)

Laughter is the best medicine

Occasionally, I like to pull a small prank to relieve the pent up stress in my life. Usually, it's something harmless that causes me to have the slightly naughty giggles. And boy, I have been having a lot of stress lately. (A bad sign when one realizes there are half a dozen posts I could link to.) So, anyway, I missed a few classes waiting for a tow truck to tow my car away to the junk yard.

In one of my classes, I had missed a significant introduction to this engineering program that handled periodic waveforms. Suffice it to say that this is one complex program that is, as all engineering programs seem to be, undocumented. So, I started playing with the program, trying to figure out what it did. One of the first questions the program did was to ask me my name.

Since I didn't really know what to expect, I entered a dummy name. By default, I usually pick the pseudonym Sum Dum Fuk. That usually elicits some amused smiles from fellow classmates. This time, I was a bit more colorful. As much as it amuses me to think of this particular pseudonym, I can't put it into print. Let's just say that it's very naughty. Like I said, it has been very stressful, and I wanted to see who would say it out loud.

Eventually, I figured out how the program worked, and produced a waveform, which I printed as an example. The thing is that the computer prints to a communal networked printer and I didn't get up immediately to go pick it up, thinking that one of my fellow students would pick it up and get a laugh. Well, unbeknownst to me, one of my fellow students had picked it up, mistook it for an arabic name, and set it on the seat of the only person of arabic origin in the classroom. That would have been bad enough.

It gets worse. This person picked it up, saw that it wasn't his and set it on the table next to him. Then, he went to his work station and started to work again. The professor of the class walked by it and saw the wavefrom, which was not at all like what we were expected to produce. Now, in my particular class, about half of the students know what they are doing. The other half, well, let's just say that the professor spends a lot of time with them to help them along.

Well, the professor sees this clearly wrong waveform and picks up the sheet. He knows that someone in the class has no idea what they are doing. Now, remember, there is a printed name on this sheet. He then asks out loud who this sheet belongs to. No one responds. Then he carefully pronounces the name out loud to the class. It sounds very much like he stated a sexual act out loud. After hearing it, two thirds of the class bursts out in laughter. I was just about dying from asphyxia trying not to laugh out loud. Not to mention giving myself away as the perpetrator of this prank.

The professor, of course, realized what he just said out loud and turns to the class joker asking this student if he had done this. Tears were rolling out of my eyes at this point. The student denied this, but I think the professor still thinks it is him. For the next twenty minutes, I could do nothing but struggle to contain my laughter. It was ever so wrong. Yet, it was also ever so funny. They say laughter is the best medicine, no matter how you make yourself laugh.

Recovery begins

I've taken an extra day away from classes becuase I am not in the right frame of mind to think about electrons and circuits. The weather reflected my mood perfectly as it rained on and off throughout Sunday and Monday. Today, for some odd reason, I woke up in a happy mood. This might be due to the fact that I slept for fourteen straight hours and knowing that I didn't have to rush off to class today. Kind of like when you didn't have to go to school when you were a kid and it wasn't because you were sick that day.

There's a low cloud cover outside, yet still, the sun manages to peek through somehow. On Friday, I had half jokingly mentioned to a friend that I was thinking about bicycling to class to save more money. We both laughed at the ridiculousness of that thought. Even if it is a mere ten miles away as the car drives, much of it is on hilly terrain and across some busy intersections, not to mention a stretch of divided highway with a speed limit of fifty five (and which people drive sixty five).

Suddenly, it doesn't sound so farfetched. I've been wondering where I am going to store my books, my papers, and my laptop. I certainly can't bike there with them. What happens if I get caught in a downpour? That also doesn't take into account what happens when I officially withdraw from my classes. This company that I've applied to isn't all that close by.

I've gotten over, for the most part, my mini depression. All I have left to remind myself physically of what I've gone through in the past five days are the bruises on my upper torso from the seat belt and the protesting muscles of my neck and upper back from whiplash. Mentally, I've pushed the feelings I have about what's gone on towards the back of my mind and I am thinking of what I have to look forward to as I attempt to extricate myself from this morass that my life has become.

I would venture to say that the last thing I need now is a relationship to complicate matters. I'm of two minds on what I should do about this current "thing" that is developing. On one hand, I can nurture this budding relationship and on the other, I can put this off as something that, due to circumstances in my life, simply won't work out. Most likely, I'm making a mountain out of an ant hill.

I've also been having trouble posting comments. When I try to look within myself for something pithy to share, I see an angry, tossing sea of emotion and frustration. Rather than unleash this tide in someone's comment section, I've avoided posting comments at all. It just wouldn't be right to try and write something that is uplifting and encouraging when I don't feel that way at all.

And I know that I should be posting comments. If for no other reason then to let you all know I am alive. Perhaps in a few days, I won't feel like such a hypocrite and post those overdue comments.

Tomorrow, unless I can finagle another form of transportation, I will most likely be biking to class. Try not to run over that crazy cyclist on a mountain bike tomorrow. I know I'll appreciate it!

Will there be a Phoenix someday?

Today, I watched as the remains of my car was towed away to the junk yard. With it, went the dreams of being an engineer. I paused for a moment, giving both a moment of silence as they went on their way to their respective boneyards. One will be crushed into a small box after everything of value has been stripped outof it. The other, well, I can only wonder if there will ever be another opportunity to resurrect that dream from that boneyard of broken dreams.

In my hands, resides the measely offerring for the scrap metal that once was a car. I suppose it will be seed money for the next car. Tomorrow, I go to the DMV and hand in the bent metal plates that once identified my car. Hopefully, I can retrieve the last insurance payment I made two weeks ago from the insurance company. That would help me a bit.

I have been sleeping a lot lately. It's my way of retreating from this world. A world that gave me the opportunity to become an engineer and then in one fell swoop, took both my dreams and the one large material possession I had left. Still, I want to thank everyone who has commented and tried to cheer me up. Every bit helps.

I have made an appointment to speak to some HR person from a company that specializes in phone support. I'm overqualified for the position, but if I can save enough, maybe, just maybe, my dreams won't be as dead as I think they are now. Who knows what the future really holds for me in this respect?

I also have to say that several of my friends have called me today to see what happened to me when I didn't show up for classes, which kind of takes the sting out of this, knowing that I am missed. (I had to miss some classes today waiting for that tow truck.) And I can still smile, as one of my friends commented that the girl I have been flirting with said that she was annoyed that I didn't show up. Apparently, I didn't hide my interest as well as I thought. Perhaps all is not lost.

This ride is over.

I'm sure that after reading my last post, one might think that I am over-reacting. I can see that my reasoning isn't as obvious and clear as I could make it. I can also see that without the extended explanation, I sound forlorn and emotional. Permit me to endeavor a better explanation: A few weeks back, I had intimated that things were not going too well for me. (If you are in not in the mood to read something that will depress you then I strongly urge you to move on to another blog.)

Perhaps it was wrong for me to count on my government, whom I have paid more than 25% of my income to in the past 10 years of employment. Which is more than they will ever give back to me. Maybe, I should have cut my losses and taken the path I dreaded to walk upon, which involves falling back upon my customer service skills. Is it possible that I could have done more if I had cut my losses earlier?

I don't know if things would have changed if I had made this decision earlier. Now, with the loss of the only reliable form of transportation, it is the proverbial last straw. I had already been stretched too thin prior to the start of this weekend. The promise of a paying job, even if it was for a day or two, was too good to pass up. So, I went to the job site and fortune did not smile upon me.

Sure, I am glad that no one was hurt. Sure, I am glad that I didn't suffer anything more serious than whiplash. Of course I am glad that the driver of the other vehicle was more understanding than he had any reason to be. But, the fact is that there is three thousand dollars worth of front end damage to a car that is worth half of that. Insurance won't pay for it and I don't have enough funds to afford to go forward with the repairs.

Much like a spring that has been over stretched, there is no more resiliency left in me. No amount of positive thinking can overcome the repeated misfortune that has befallen me in these past ninety days. Not even a quarter of a year has passed, yet I have burned through half of what is left of my retirement savings, I don't have any reliable income, I have resorted to eating trail mix for meals, and I haven't even paid off this semester's tuition. I can't afford another car. Nor the increased insurance I will undoubtedly accrue due to my most recent bout of misfortune.

With all this looming over my head, I recognize that I just cannot continue my education. The pursuit of a degree is over. Opportunity has slammed the door in my face as I tried to walk through. I will be speaking to my professors to see if I can still withdraw without failing my classes and find a full time job again in the customer service industry that I so greatly despise.

This upsets me beyond anything I have experienced before in my life. Something that I have sacrificed for, worked for, starved for and with a mere 34 credits from completion, I am denied by the circumstances of my life from fulfilling this goal. The cruel understanding of how unfair life can be doesn't escape me at this time.

This recognition is what causes me to desire curling up into a ball and wish that the world did not exist. I will do what I need to do even as I rage against this unfortunate fact. I am sorry that I have depressed you all by permitting you the opportunity to read this. As I said, just move on.

Crash

Just got back from the collision/auto body shop where they towed my wreck of a car after I got into a car accident. How I wish this was merely a April Fool's prank of poor taste. No one was hurt, I only suffered whip lash from my seatbelt holding me back. The air bag didn't even deploy. Good thing the relative velocities were very low.

To add insult to injury, right after the accident, the guy who was hiring to me to work today told me he didn't need my help. Which, had he called before I was supposed to head there, I would not have been on that road today. Right now, I feel like curling up into a little ball and forgetting the world exists.