Even the strong can feel weak

As everybody knows, I have been unemployed for over a year now and that I've gone back to school in the hopes of making myself more marketable as well as employable. And that I have been relying upon the meager distribution of funds that until recently, when the rug was pulled out from under me, had been doled out sparingly by the NYS DOL.

I've been rather quiet about how I feel about my situation after my initial outburst of anger over their negligent mishandling of my situation. Largely because I know how depressing it is to read about another person who has come upon rough times, knowing that, with the never ending financial demands of life, there is little margin between being employed and unemployed. As well as knowing that the selfsame reader might also find themselves on this rock of uncertainty and reverberate that depression and despair to others like a ripple through a still pond.

Generally, I try to stay upbeat, focus on what is important while doing that frantic scrambling for a job that might help to make ends meet as I march towards the goal of an engineering degree. However, in the quiet moments, when there is no one around to see, I occassionally succumb to the despair that I usually keep barely at bay by the skin of my teeth. In these moments where despair washes over me and threatens to overwhelm me by pulling me underneath those desperate waters, I feel the hot, damning warmth of unshed tears borne out of frustration rise to my face. Frustration over how my life went from promising to devastated.

It is at this point when I give over to that emotion and demand of no one why these things have happened to me. I demand of the quiescent walls of my room to tell me what I have done to deserve this unhappy circumstance I find myself in. And, of course, the ever so helpful and analytical part of my mind observes that the seemingly inconsequential decisions and actions on my part have lead me to this place where I can see that I have been cornered. What irony. Neatly boxed in by my own doing. And much like a game of chess, my actions and decisions have lead me to my own self defeat. Endgaming, as it were.

Yet, I know I haven't given over to depression (or defeat), partly because my pride won't let me and partly because I still can get angry (perhaps too easily because of the greatly increased stress), not apathetic about my situation. My pride, which I have mentioned before might well be my downfall, is what keeps my back straight and causes me to be defiant. I know that pride continues to drive me since I refuse to beg. I refuse to go to all of my friends who have jobs and pester them to help me get a position. I refuse to bend and while I might break, my pride demands that I stand tall even as the waves of misfortune do their best to drown me.

However, as much as my pride is a refuge in this storm, it is also the proverbial anchor that drags me down and hinders me from reaching safety. Pride makes me hesitant to take risks, unwilling to consider options that a less proud person would consider without second thought. It is the progeniture for the excuses I give when I look at a potential job and say it is not a position for me. And like fear, it paralyzes me and keeps me from seeing the way out of my predicament.

I don't know why I am sharing this here. I suppose it is because few enough people read this that I am comfortable in saying what I keep hidden from my family, my friends, and others who know me well. I know that this is merely a moment of weakness, temporary in nature, transitory emotion that I need to divest myself of. A sort of catharsis. (Hopefully without scaring or depressing those who do actually read it.)

Despite my current lack of options, I am still hopeful that tomorrow, the solution will make its happy and welcome appearance. I need not convince myself of this hope's validity. Because tomorrow, when I arise from my slumber, I will be focused again on the goal that is ever in sight, barely out of my reach. And tomorrow, I will continue to scramble, to struggle, and strive for things that I need to keep me going.