Fear

If you have ever read the book Dune by Frank Herbert, you will probably recall the Litany Against Fear:

I must not fear
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over and through me.

And when it has gone past me, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Fear, a part of the mind's recognition of impending danger or evil, can cause us to become paralyzed, incapable of doing what needs to be done as terror posseses us and then we may do something that has no reasonable explanation. As a person who suffers from acrophobia (fear of high places), I find that I often repeat a form of this mantra to help me cope with my fear of heights. For me, this actually works, enabling me to relax and begin to function again.

It has permitted me to stand (and work) on a catwalk sixty feet in the air and look down below with only a mild tingling of apprehension in my palms. Permitted me to stand atop a thirty foot ladder while working away on heavy equipment above my head without breaking into a cold sweat. Allowed me to continue working untethered while standing on two inches of plaster encased chicken wire a hundred feet above a concrete floor. This is a fear that I have overcome by doing two things: 1) Remind myself that this is all in my mind, thereby pushing it out of my mind and 2) continually find opportunities to test whether I have backslided by climbing to high places.

But what about fears that I haven't overcome? I suppose I can chalk up commitment as one of them. Fear of public speaking. Fear of embarrassment is another.

Fear has such a paralyzing effect, yet all fears are not equal. There are really two kinds of fear: Instinctual and learned. Fear of heights is instinctual, a natural protection mechanism. Fear of commiting, speaking in front of others or embarrassment is learned from past experience. Experience is gained from past mistakes or from observing others make mistakes. Mistakes happen because you don't know better. This may sound like a simple tautology, yet we often do repeat it. (And yes, I know I am oversimplifying this.)

However, with something like commitment, I am confident that some day, I will eventually overcome these fears. However, do you know what my greatest fear is? To go on through my life trying to overcome this fear of being alone that I will one day discover that I have done nothing with my life, squandered my talents and thus have nothing to show for it. To discover that I have done nothing to point at in my life that says to myself that I have accomplished something worthy of my talents and skills which I have and earned in this lifetime. To let my base instincts hinder me from achieving what I am capable of achieving.

And as I draw nigh on thirty years of age, this sudden apprehension that I am wasting my time on finding one woman to commit with has dawned on me. I recognize now my error and in the future, I must work on correcting my course before I wake up one day to realize my greatest fear. Now, if only I could find some way to combat the insidious distractions of loneliness and resist the tide of testosterone.

Though I have one question as I divert myself from this disaster in the making: Am I now being driven by my fears?