A silver lining to inflation?

I've noticed that my sense of humor turns a bit dark when times get difficult.  Lately, I've hit a period where I am, once again, unemployed as a photographer.  I have enough money to get by, but my lifestyle becomes one of increased and slightly painful frugality. 

If I have one bad food I really enjoy eating, it's got to be french fries.  The larger the order, the better.  Particularly the ones from a place with a yellow M on red background.  Today, I drove up to place an order from the poor menu, aka the dollar menu, and I saw that my favorite item had been moved off the list.  They had raised the price by 30%!  As much as I loved this food item, I simply wasn't going to stretch my budget any further.  So, I passed on the fries.

And that was when my dark humor kicked in.  Inflation's silver lining is helping me stay on my healthier diet!  Instead of dying from clogged arteries, I'll live a bit longer while being tortured over missing my favorite food item.  How funny and how wrong is that?!?

In a rut.

*grin* I'm still in a melancholic mood.  So bear with me as I try to exorcise this mood with some cathartic musings.

I earned a degree in engineering, largely working weeknights and weekends at several jobs to pay for it as well as my living expenses.  I got this degree mostly to satisfy my parents, though in some part to finish what I started as a badge of pride.  I might as well use the paper upon which the degree was conferred to me as toilet paper since I haven't been able to find employment with it.

However, I've found, at the very least, contentment if not happiness working as a photographer.  While I have to be on location at a certain time, I am never in the same location for more than a day or two.  The opportunity to see something new every day and not be stuck behind a desk truly appeals to me.  While I can't ever say that I work an eight hour day (often twelve to fifteen), I am doing something I am passionate about and enjoy.  So, except for the trip back to the main office to drop off media, I can say that I'm hardly working.  Yet, aside from that enjoyment, I barely eke by with lots of help from family. 

I know I'm stuck in a rut and I'm just frustrated enough to want out but not enough to be motivated to get out.  Part of the indecision is because I'm, for once, enjoying what I do and I would give that up to move on.  It's a conundrum that I don't know how to easily solve.  About twice a year, I resolve to find something new that will keep me from being in such prostrated position and twice a year, when the money stops coming in, I lose my resolve.

I fear the impending certainty that I can't continue to live like this for much longer is already leeching away my enjoyment and even my joy will become a bitter regret.

It's going to be a blue Christmas, because I don't have green

At this time of year, I end up joining several  Santa's helper gift groups amongst family and friends.  I can't deny that it's easier on the wallet, but it's still a pain to search for things within the limits of each group's budget. 

I find that the things I would want to add to my wish list often exceed those price ceilings.  It's not that I can't find things under the caps, it's just that the things I want and need don't fall within those budgets.

I need things like car repair items as my 17 year old car is starting to show major signs of wear or maintenance items that aren't cheap.  I just put in $750 worth of luxury touring tires.  I still need to do a timing belt service, replace my rear suspension that has finally given up, a leaking power steering system and a CV boot for the front end.  I'm looking at $4500 worth of repairs and that's a decent downpayment on a new car.  Except, if I had the money, I'd already be in a new car.  So one item on my wishlist is a working car.

But that's a need item.  What about the things I want?  Well, I'd like a new lens and an iPad with 64GB memory.  Nothing crazy.  But either item is well over $600. I don't think Santa (or any of his helpers for that matter) will be dropping that under my fake tree this year.

And there are a few other items going on in my life that I'd just be happy for them to go away, but don't have the income to pay them off, like my loans and credit card bills.  And my rent.  Definitely the rent!

If only, right?  That's why I suspect that this year, besides that lump of coal, it's going to be a very blue Christmas because I don't have any green.

Time waits for no one.

I've often wondered, as I take a look through my older posts, if I've changed at all in the past six years that I've been blogging.  With all that's gone on in the past few years, with losing my longtime job, then returning to college for an engineering degree, and finally bouncing from employer ever since.  Not to mention the disastrous relationships I've endured in that time.

I suppose I've changed a bit, the core part of me hasn't changed, but certainly some parts of my personality have changed, chipped away by the flow and ebb of time passing.  I used to get so angry when setbacks came into my life that I'd have to find some form of physical release.  Now, when I see another setback, I merely shrug my shoulders and move on.  I worry that my apathy towards increasing levels of misfortune isn't more than resignation that life is unfair.  Is it a sign that I'm done with this life?

Is it wrong to detach yourself from the passing inequities that the passing of time subjects one to?  I've often worried at the thought.  There's that concern that I'm shrugging off stuff that I should attempt to make better or at least battle against the inevitable tide.  That I should try to leave my mark on this world for all to see.

The counter argument to that is that when my time here is up, things will still be the same.  People will still love and hate, help and hurt each other long after I'm gone.  Any accomplishments I've garnered will soon be forgotten in three or four generations.

In the end, I may change or fight to stay the same, but I understand that time won't wait for me to decide.  Now if only I knew which way I'd choose.

Back Atcha!

I had heard of the figure of speech, throwing words back at someone.  However, I've never understood why people would do that.  I didn't that is until I got into a disagreement with my supervisor who had said I did something wrong and after some discussion on the situation, said I had done all the right things but still tried to place the blame on me.

For the first time, I truly understood the satisfaction one can get in throwing someone's words back at them.  It was probably not the best tactic to take with a superior, but I was annoyed that they tried to place blame on me for something that I did correctly when a situation at work took a turn for the worse.  And I had been quietly taking crap from this person for some time now.  The best part was that our entire conversation happened out in the open in front of several witnesses.

No amount of mealy mouthed apologies would get around the fact that they made themselves look like fools in front of others.  And best of all, I kept my cool during the entire conversation while turning the blame session back on the person who tried to dish it.  It makes me petty, but for once, I don't care.  Back atcha biotch!

How many ways can I split a hair?

It's regrettable, but life has taken a turn for extremely busy lately.  In a mindless way that prevents me from being my usual introspective self.  So many things on my plate, all demanding attention if I want to have a sound future.

I'm making plans to improve on my financial situation and ease my reliance on working with this portrait studio that is basically making hundreds of dollars a day and paying me, after calculating all the hours I work for them, less than minimum wage.  When I realized that this was the case, I was, well, not quite upset, but certainly disappointed.

However, these plans require some investment though, and I'm already having trouble living within my income as it is.  I am hoping not to delay them any longer than I have already because on paper, the return on my investment is mindbogglingly high.  As in the 75% range!  I can't pass up on this opportunity but can't come up with any real solution that doesn't involve selling organs.

I feel like I'm trying to take my income and split it so many ways, but it's only a hair's width wide.  I wonder how many ways I can split a hair.  I've got to catch this opportunity.  Just trying to work out how.

Is it right to pursue happiness?

I took part in a local photoshoot last week.  I was quite proud of myself.  I walked into a location where I knew no one and at the end of the shoot, had made several new friends.  Or rather, they made me a friend of theirs, as I felt like I joined a circle of people who get along and have a similar sense of humor.

There were certainly moments of fun and hilarity that I hadn't realized I'd been missing as I focused on making myself into something I want to be, a full time professional photographer.  As of right now, I am indeed a professional, but I have lulls where I have no work to speak of.  In that focused mindset, I realized I'd forgotten how to laugh.  To take joy in silliness that occurs when people interact.
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Is it really admirable?

I've been reading a novel about a female heroine who reels from one surprising situation to the next, all the while trying to seek a return to the life she once had before the novel starts.  One of the things about this character that I found admirable in the story was her stubborn persistence to focus on getting what she wanted in spite of the circumstances that befell her. 

As I continued to read the novel, with its typical cant towards a romance with a mysterious stoic man figure, I thought, this was a person I could be friends with.  Someone I could count on.  Strong willed enough to want to do their own thing, but there in a pinch.

Oddly enough, I also made the connection that this was in part what I was describing as what I wanted in a relationship.  It made me pause as I considered it more thoroughly.  Was I ready to make adjustments to my life to accommodate someone else's desires?  Especially if they were strong willed and on the stubborn side?

Not that I've met a person quite like the heroine in the story.  And, ironically, those that were of similar personality either have no interest in me or rubbed me the wrong way.  Most unfortunately, any relationship I've had has been too short term for me to truly learn if I could live with such a strong personality on a level beyond friendship.

All this has really done for me at this point is make me wonder if what I find admirable in a story book character is really something I admire in person.  I hope that I'll have the opportunity to find out. 

Hello, my name is Grant...

Things have been very busy these past few months.  So busy that I had completely forgotten to post anything here.  No excuse, I know, I know.  But it happened and nothing I can do will bring me back in time to adjust the past.  Actually, I had blocked some time to write something Saturday, but my car decided to call my attention to the fact that it wasn't stopping very well.  So that time went to replacing the brakes so that I could live another day in my current existence.

So, I said that I've been busy, and I have been, but it's that type of busy where you go full speed while staying in place.  My situation today is not all that different from January, or even August.  And the frustration is mounting, I guess.  I feel that I might as well do nothing, since doing something doesn't seem to be moving me along.
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