Sorry, I was staring at your eyes...

I was at my favorite study location (Panera Bread) today and I have to say, I just saw the most unique color of green eyes I have ever seen. Ever. This girl walks into the restaurant with some guy and she is laughing and smiling. Nothing particularly special about her. I wouldn't have noticed her at all except that in a mostly empty eating area, they choose to sit at the table right next to me.

I could tell from her freckled face and nearly black hair that she was probably of Irish descent. Her hair was tied up in an unfashionable (right) side pony tail with the unrestrained hair combed over towards that pony tail. She wore a dark olive green tunic-like shirt that went down around her bottom, with denim jeans underneath that and open toed flip-flops. She was close to six feet tall and relatively slim. She had this melodic, low and husky voice as she laughed and conversed with her guy friend. It wasn't until I glanced up in her direction that I noticed those eyes.

Her eyes were a pale jade color. And they glistened in the reflected light of the sun off the table she sat at (the only moment the sun appeared, no less). I think she noticed that I was staring at her, however, since she had a guy with her, I chose to focus back on my class work. Yet, every few minutes, my eyes would stray and glance in her direction. To my chagrin, each time I glanced at her, she was looking back at me. So, I had many opportunities to gaze at her pale green eyes framed in her freckled face with these thin black eyebrows.

How do you explain to someone that you find the color of their eyes are captivating, yet have no desire of that person beyond peering at those unique colored eyes? I almost begin to see the appeal of gazing into someone's eyes, especially if the coloration of their eyes are like that.

Update on why I am now shorter by six inches.

If you read my last post on this theme, you'd know that I was quite upset at being relegated to "friends" status. There was a bit of discussion on whether she was trying to let me down easy or whether she just needed some time before she was ready to consider a new start. After that post, I backed off a bit to give her some room to find herself. Actually, like everything else, it became secondary to finishing some 15 lab writeups before Thanksgiving day break and taking four exams in four days. I didn't call her during that time and she hasn't called me either.

Today, I chanced upon a mutual female friend and this mutual friend let slip that the woman I was interested in was on a I-hate-all-men tear. I need to say that I am relieved that I didn't have to bear the brunt of that. I am also relieved because I am not ready for another emotional beating right now. Still, I'm torn because I'd like to give her a hug and then tell her that not all men are bad. Yet, in the back of my mind, I would be feeling hypocritical for saying this knowing that I am feeling down myself and I have some thoughts about where I want her to look for comparison.

If she really can't stand the sight of any man right now, would I be doing her good or harm by calling her to see how she is? Our mutual friend has cautioned me not to do anything right now. I am taking her advice and keeping out of the way, but as always, those who are peripherally invovled share a small part of that anguish in silence, for they have no reason to feel that way except in empathy with the person suffering. I am concerned and yet I know that she needs some time to heal some more, especially if she is feeling so bitter. The anguish I feel is that of being cut off from her presence at this time.

I am hoping that her bitterness will abate, and that she can get this vituperation out of her system quickly. I can't even imagine what she's going to feel like around the coming holidays.

Words can cut like a knife

The most interesting thing I have seen and experienced about relationships is how people seem to be everything you want them to be and when you scratch beneath the surface, you don't see the same person. It's not because they aren't the person they present, rather, it's not all of the person you are seeing. The phrase that seems most apropos for this is: Honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. It's probably the most deceptive thing a good person can say. If you present a good front, then you'll get what you want. We also teach our children with this behavioral inducement by reward. It's ingrained within us. Put your best foot forward. Make a good first impression. And I could go on. I am guilty of this to, since I was raised on the same methods. Do something good, get a reward, do something wrong and out comes the stick.

When you're dating someone and you only see them periodically, you tend to see the best side of that someone. It gives you this false impression of what this person is really like. As you start to spend more time with them (scratching beneath the surface), you start to see a different person. What I am getting at is this: When in a relationship where you are given some time away from each other, you are able to overlook things you couldn't stand if you had it happen every day or hour of your life. As you commit yourself deeper into a relationship, the more the little things start to bother you. It is much harder to overlook things when it happens often enough.

The same goes with family members. This Thanksgiving weekend, I have spent more time with my family and siblings than I have in months. And because they are family, they know which buttons to push that sets me off faster than a rocket taking off to space. With my parents, it's unintentional, but how many times can one be reminded to do something that you have done for years? It's as if my parents still think I am 9 years old or soemthing. What vexes me the most is that I have acquired their habits in some ways. With my siblings, well, all's fair in love and war, so to speak. I am trying to get out of this cyclic habit of having them say something deliberately insensitive towards me and me getting angry at them, which then causes them to dislike me more, thereby making it easier for them to say insensitive things to me. You can only brush off so much before you lose your temper. And with siblings, they already know what they can say to set me off.

Sadly, when I get this angry, I vow to myself that should time permit me to move far enough away, I would forget them and allow time and distance to wither the familial bonds that bind us. Everytime I do say this, I soon forget that vow and act as if nothing happened only to get insulted again by them. I'm sure there are those who think that I do and say mean things to them and I do. However, that is after they have gotten me angry. I don't go out of my way to insult them or do mean things to them. I want our family to be close and a happy one.

After some ten years of this, I begin to suspect that there may not be a solution that ends this vicious cycle and that there will come a time when I won't forget what I vowed and what I want for my family won't ever exist. Already, there is a gap betwen us that is widening instead of narrowing. If I were to speak of this to my siblings, they would insult me and laugh off my idea. To me that is the sadest thing of all.

A vow that I would keep and never forget is: When I finally start my family, I will not tolerate such aggression and division between my children. I will foster amongst them a strong value of each other's place in their lives and never permit what has created such distance in my family to occur. I pray that this may be true and that such a vow is not for naught.

T-day recap

I have to say, Thanksgiving was fun (except for the two hours of traffic to go 30 miles), and as I suspected, I ate waaaaaay too much food. Nearly 12 hours of eating to be more precise. It started with the seafood and rice stew/porridge (they call it congee in english I think) with petrified thousand year old eggs (smells positively unappealing, but when you eat it, it tastes awesome, and these eggs are usually buried in a mud that causes them to become the way they are, they're not really a thousand years old.), to the fried buffalo chicken wings, the steamed rice cake with meat toppings...

I should observe now that this is not the crappy tasting rice cakes every dieter has probably tasted. It's kind of like rice flour mixed with water and oil and some other stuff to make this cake. Back to my description:

steamed roast pork buns, chicken stuffed bread, steamed vegetables, pasta, roast chicken, beef (I'll not mention what parts to protect those with delicate digestion), and went to the pastries, cookies, chocolate cake, almond jello, various kinds of cheese cake, apple pie, pumpkin pie, chocolate covered strawberries, smores, and other delectable delights. Oh, did I mention turkey, a hock of ham, cranberry sauce, turkey gravy, stuffing, and candied yams? As big as my extended family has become, there's a smorgasborg of different culinary styles all mishmashed together. Can you tell that I am thinking on my stomach?

So, anyway, I fattened myself up quite nicely yesterday. I enjoyed myself and had some fun as I said before. And I slept in this morning until noon. If I felt any better, I might start floating off the ground. Time to get ready for the gathering at my parent's place. Hope everyone else enjoyed such a fantastic day of giving thanks.

Where are you for thanksgiving?

Just wondering as I prepare to make my trek into the Bronx to partake in the family gathering and to gorge myself, where is everyone going (already at) for thanksgiving?

And since we're all thankful for something on this holiday, I am thankful for:

• My family


• A molecule called caffeine


• My health


• And that Thanksgiving comes only once a year to wreck my diet O=>

I have to keep this short since it is time to brave the traffic. Have a happy Thanksgiving. And wish me luck!

What do I want from women?

I have been thinking lately, especially at those moments when I am supposed to be completing my course work (like now) and can't muster the energy to do it. I've been thinking about what exactly it is that I am desiring. When you get right down to it, the course work for an engineering education is not exactly a walk in the park. I often find myself doing class work on weekends, when I wake up at 7 a.m. on weekdays and before I sleep at 1 a.m. Ok, ok. I admit it. When I get frustrated on a problem, I take my mind off of it and write what I am thinking about for inclusion in this blog. This can interupt my train of thought long enough to get back to work with a fresh perspective.

Mostly, I am engaged in very solitary activities right now. I don't get to socialize much or watch the latest, hot new prime time soap saga. To be honest, I've only seen snippets of one Sex in the City show, and that was seen when I went over to someone's house to fix their broken internet connection. Lost is supposed to be a good show, too. I don't even know what channel it is on or what times it airs. In fact, since I was laid off, I can't remember the last time I watched anything on tv. Pretty sad, right?

My social skills are quickly becoming more and more anachronistic as I immerse myself in turning myself into an engineer. It's no secret that watching soap operas, talk shows, and the latest in prime time visual addictions hones your social skills and gives you a safe common ground to work from when you start a relationship of any kind. Shared experience is always the key to meeting someone new and keeping that person engaged in a conversation with you.

With that said, while I know what conductance is and what siemens (units of conductance) are, I don't know one whit about the latest tv or movie star and why they are now in the news. And for some strange reason, women aren't rushing headlong into this program to get a degree. Add that to my soul sucking job, and I am already five years out of touch with what is currently in fashion.

So back to the point. With so little free time, the glaring lack of females within 1000 feet of the building I spend most of my waking hours in (I exaggerate, of course, one wing of the building is devoted to chemistry, and the nursing program sends all their nurses-to-be for some classes in chemistry), why would I even look for a relationship with the opposite sex? Well, I sort of answered that. To keep me in touch with the rest of humanity. The thing that keeps this from working splendidly for me is that I know any relationship is two way and something you need to constantly work on. It is never finished. There is always more to work on.

What do I desire? I desire a female companion who keeps me in touch with the rest of the world, is supportive, understanding and only wants my affection and time when I have some to give to her. And well, I also desire the physical aspects of having a relationship, if you know what I mean. I know, I know, everyone reading this would be trying to hide their sarcastic smiles and snickers.

What a dilemna. My desires are contray to what I know. Perhaps there is more to learn about relationships that will allow my desires to coexist with my knowledge of relationships. Maybe pigs might grow wings and learn what being airborne is about.

Losing little bits and peices of you.

Today was cleaning day. More specifically, it was the "clean this mess of a house in preparation for the family get together for Thanksgiving" day. My task was to enter my old room and clear out anything that could be removed. I spent the entire day sorting through stacks of papers, toys, crayons, stickers, coloring books, and other oddiments that sat quietly in that room collecting a decades' worth of dust.

All the while, as I dragged along the black plastic garbage bag, I felt like I was throwing away little bits and pieces of my life. From the colored ribbons you get for competing in races to little toy figurines that I used to sit around for hours moving them around in my own little world. I had already discovered to my dismay that my mother had already donated my entire Hotwheels toy car collection to some charity. Oh, the long lost hours I spent pretending to drive them to who knows where.

I threw away the deck of cards and foam rabbit I had been given from my failed attempt to become a magician. I threw away the stacks of construction paper that I kept on the off chance I might have to put together some crazy yet interesting collage. I threw away the stacks of worn and tattered trading cards that I had insisted that all my relatives get me when I was younger. And as I threw away these things, I felt my melancholy grow increasingly sharper as if I were being stabbed by a sharp pointed object aimed at my heart.

I hadn't realized how important these things had been to me until I was tasked with the mission of throwing them away. Each item I threw away was a memory. A minute stretch of time when I idled away forever waiting for adulthood to come so that I could do what I wanted to do and not what my parents wanted me to do.

And here I am, in my adulthood, wishing so fiercely that I could return to that time and perhaps knock some sense into my younger self. Wishing that I could go back to that time and tell myself that I should value every moment of my youth. To tell myself to not look forward to tomorrow merely as another inch torward the stormy future I have survived thus far. I wished I had laughed a little more as a child. I wished I had enjoyed each moment of that time instead of acting with the maturity beyond my years.

I suppose I have my regrets. I suppose I will always wish to change what cannot be changed. I know now that tomorrow, when I wake up to a new sunrise, I will hold each moment more preciously, as I remember how little I valued the time I have already spent.

I wanted to share this feeling with someone special to me, but I am alone and have no one to share it with. Since I cannot share this sentiment with the woman I would love, I will share it with all the world and hope that she is reading. Good night, my Love.

Keys to your heart?

I'm officially back to blogging, though it may take me a couple of days to write about some more interesting things that have been crossing my mind. In the meantime, I think I need to stop going to these take a quiz about yourself places. I know they are entirely generic and cookie cutter creations. However, after getting results like those below, I sometimes wonder if they can read my mind. Either that or I have a very easily unlocked heart.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

Pandora's Box Part II

Since I am on the topic of females, let's open Pandora's box once more and see what new things come out. I will reiterate the male party line and say that women are indeed the root of all evil. (And yet, somehow, we can't live without them. Go figure.) I am convinced that the idea of romance, that "love will find a way" is indeed the evil construct of overly effeminite men and women dreaming of a utopia that has never existed on this earth. As I noted often before, I long to have someone by my side, even as I disparage what I long for.

In spite of what I've said agaist that other worthy species (as females are generally a different species with compatible dna), my social life has been one big black hole lately and I have to admit, I am getting a bit desperate. I like having alone time only when there is someone to come back to when I am ready to rejoin society. Sadly, things have not been going my way lately. I fear that I am becoming one large walking (and very desperate) hormone. Maybe I am getting overeager and it is showing. Perhaps this is the facade I am presenting to females in general.

My face must truly be a sight to behold as it declares to the world that I have lowered my standards: Tossed away are the requirements of a good figure and pretty face. Stripped away are the needs for a upbeat personality, patience, kindness, and wittiness. Intelligence and insight be damned. Perceptiveness should be at the level of the dumbest of dumb blondes. She can have the diginity and grace of a drunken clown, for all I care. All that remains is the expectation that she must breathe, be human, and naturally (as well as medically certified) female that will put up with me without being bitchy about it.

Is this what I am presenting? Is this the face I put forward? Am I trying to play poker with an expression that says, "I have nothing in this hand?" *SIGH* I really don't want to lower my standards. It leads to nothing more than heartache. I have not ever bared my heart like this for the world to see. However, without these standards, I don't think I could ever be happy. I would rather be alone and lonely for the rest of my living days then to accept less. I will go on to say more:

I want someone who can know how I feel and what I am thinking without me saying it (especially since I probably won't say it). I want that someone to share a small knowing smile with me because they feel and think the same thing. I want her to be funny and to be the bright sunshine that keeps me smiling throughout the day. And when I return to her, feel uplifted when I see her. I want to see nothing but the best side of her even when she isn't her best. I want to see her in her favorite black little dress and have to wear a bib to keep the drool off my shirt. I want to learn of new things I don't know about because they are of interest to her. I want to share with her what I know and how I see the world. I want and need that relationship I have with her to always be new, and with each day bring forth discovery of something that we haven't experienced before. Most of all, I want her to love and need me while not being bitchy about it. (Am I setting my standards too high here? Somebody please let me know!)

The ironic thing to be aware of is at the moment that I stop looking, it will happen. I have been told about this reality. I have seen it happen before. When I least expect it, she will walk into my life and cause me to forget what I am doing and thinking. She will cause an excrutiating joy to well up within my heart and I will be completely bereft of thought. I will appear to all the world like a gibbering monkey. Now if only it would happen already so that I can get the embarrasment out of the way.

Anyway, I am now in a bad mood. Perhaps it is because I have stumbled upon this website. Do I laugh or do I cry from realizing that I can relate all too well? All aboard, this (six inch shorter) emotional yo-yo is going down.

Now shorter by six inches.

I'm back. Sort of. I am taking a break to stick my head out of my hiding hole to send out an update on my last post. Besides, I have some good news and some not so good news to share and it shouldn't wait.

The good news first, since the not so good news came after the good news. My quandry has been resolved! The person in question broke up with the guy she was seeing. I no longer need to do anything about that. In fact, she called me to tell me this. I could scarcely contain the joy I felt upon learning this.

Now, one of the qualities that this woman has exhibited quite often in my presence is a level of perception and observation that seems preternatural. It's one that I like, and that perception has often pierced my curtain of illusions. She can tell what I feel or want very easily. So, of course, in this same conversation, she told me the not so good news.

Yes, fellow bloggers, she gave me the "just friends" speech. (All wince in sympathy.) For those who don't know what the "just friends" speech is, I will endeavor to explain. It is a tactic, well rehearsed, often used and so simple to use that it's effectiveness against the enemy is nearly universally acclaimed. This tactic has been known to flank the well prepared enemy who thinks that he has the opportunity of an upper hand. And, my fellow "just friends," it is a well documented weapon in the arsenal of the secret Sisterhood To Destroy All Men. It's that moment when you think that you can advance your candidacy to become her man, (the studliness that will please her and make her beg for more) she tells you that she values you as a friend and could never endanger the relationship you have with her. (Did I just type that?)

There is a slight chance that after uttering this fact, I may trully be disappearing off the face of the earth, as I may now become persona non grata amongst the women who are merely sympathizers as well as the more active members of that evil Sisterhood. The actions they may take upon me are varied and often practiced. I am only a man, so they could lure me into another trap so easily.

This woman might as well as taken a knife to my heart. She might as well have taken a meat cleaver and shortened me by six inches. Or smear me in honey and throw me to a bear. As far as I am concerned, I have become that comfortable fluffy throw pillow that she cries into and then leaves for another opportunity to find some guy who will cause her to be unhappy again. Sadly, that perception I admire is lost when ever she goes looking.

This has got to be the year of strike outs for me. There can be no other explanation. What other reason can there be? I would swear off of women if my hormones would just let me. As the newest member of the castratos, there would hardly be need for me to try.

Time to disappear off the face of the earth

I will be taking a short hiatus from blogging starting today and going on until the weekend before thanksgiving. My class workload has attained critcial mass and this will assorb any free time I have for the next couple of weeks, thereby interfering with my ability to be blogging much. (Shows where my priorites are, my workload interfering with my blogging.) So in the interim, I leave you with this parting quandry to tide you over until I regain some control over my course workload. (I'll still try to read some blogs, but writing will have to wait.)

Is it within the human nature to always want more than they have? Do we have some innate drive that has us look at the things we have and say, "It's just not enough?" I don't mean just material things either. I'm talking about emotional and physical desires too.

To put it another way, why are we never satisfied with what we have? For instance, you're dating someone that is interesting, engaging, and funny. However, something about this person doesn't fit into your "ideal" image of what you think your "one and only" should be. Is the purpose of breaking up a relationship really about finding someone better? Someone you can't get enough of, wanting to be in contact with them even when you're apart? And to draw another question out of this topic, better for whom?

I find myself at a crossroads. I am contemplating the thought of doing something I have eschewed my entire life: Breaking up another's relationship so that I can have someone to relate to and be with. And to care for and not get enough of.

Would it be so bad to have that silly grin you wear everywhere you go because you have this extreme high? Or trying hard to walk without seeing if you can leap, dance or fly? To talk the whole night long, even though we have to be somewhere else in the morning? I don't think it would be so bad. I may be a bit biased though.

I won't go into the reasons for why I consider myself a better candidate than the person this female I am interested is currently involved with. Always in the past, I have avoided this situation because of all the problems that often occur in breaking someone out of their relationship with another person. And yet, as the song by Moving Pictures goes, What about me? It isn't fair! I've had enough, now I want my share! Can't you see? ... I'm feeling cold and alone. I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot but sometimes I wish for more than I've got.

So I am thinking about doing something I find somewhat vile and repulsive. Something that is fraught with worry, stress and frustration. Along with the questions about this girl's intentions are the concerns of whether she might leave me for someone "better" some day in the future. All the risk for a possible reward of finding that someone special. Yet, what about me? I have been lonely for too long. And sometimes, I wish for more than what I've got.

So, Remember!

A little pep talk to everyone having a little difficulty in their lives right now:

The difficulties in life are intended to make us better, not bitter.
The best way out of difficulty is through it.

Despite all the pain and trouble, life is still better than the alternative.

So, keep that chin up and work through it!

Lake Bethpage

So October 2005 is the rainiest month on record on long island ever. I was driving through Bethpage along the Round Swamp Rd., and saw something I had never seen before: Lake Bethpage

Until now, I never knew why this road had been called Round Swamp Road until we had eight straight days of continous rain. The surface runoff had flooded a gully by the side of the road, turning that gully into a very large pond. The true irony is that this gully happens to be part of the Bethpage State Park golf course, once played upon by the PGA. To further enhance the amusement factor, this gully happened to be the 18th hole!

Take a look: