It is finished.

Today is, as the cliche goes, the beginning of the rest of my life. Yes folks, I am a graduate (barring some unforeseen technicality, that is). Today, the stressing for finals is finally over. And, to be honest, I feel exceedingly giddy.

Don't let this taciturn expression on my face belie the fact that I am glad that this marathon is over. I found myself doing a little dance in the privacy of my own room for no other reason then because I felt like it. I don't feel any shame in sharing that fact.

Whether or not I decide to walk down that aisle and receive the handshake from the president of the university, I am a graduate. Should I chose to listen to the relatively humorless and stately speeches given during the ceremony, it won't matter one whit on the fact that I can finally move on with my life. And I'm proud of it.

Craving something

I'm generally not susceptible to seasonal depression, but I have been in a dark mood lately. I don't know why. Possibly because Thanksgiving wasn't much of an event this year, with significant portions of my nuclear family moving out and close relatives moving over a hundred miles away into their new homes. I've found myself listlessly moving through these past couple of weeks without really living in them. The days have gone by and they didn't register for me.

Maybe it's because I face another year ending and I'm not seeing the year ahead as something I look forward to. I could be simply moving from one high point in my life to another and I'm currently in that low between them. Or it could merely be that I've been so isolated from other people that I'm feeling a bit neglected and craving attention.

This last thought brought to mind a excerpt from one of my favorite books, Wyrms. You'll probably have to click on the image to read it.

Not the loveliest representation of the human nature, but it captures a reflection of what we are. Sometimes, the words ring all too true for me. Whether I see this in others or myself. And somehow, despite the ugliness, it is hopeful. That in working together we transcend that ugliness.

So, I guess I'm simply feeling like an ugly monster and I need to trust in some framework to be more than I am. *sigh* I work so hard to be independent and find that it also means that I am alone. And at my weakest, that singularity is where I feel most alone. What irony I see in this! Perhaps, it is that I hunger for something and I am unable to satiate that craving.

Unfortunately, I won't have time to plumb this new depth I have uncovered, since I have two weeks before finals and I am further behind than I intended. Time to sink below the level of internet consciousness once more. That will be all for now.