Words can cut like a knife

The most interesting thing I have seen and experienced about relationships is how people seem to be everything you want them to be and when you scratch beneath the surface, you don't see the same person. It's not because they aren't the person they present, rather, it's not all of the person you are seeing. The phrase that seems most apropos for this is: Honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. It's probably the most deceptive thing a good person can say. If you present a good front, then you'll get what you want. We also teach our children with this behavioral inducement by reward. It's ingrained within us. Put your best foot forward. Make a good first impression. And I could go on. I am guilty of this to, since I was raised on the same methods. Do something good, get a reward, do something wrong and out comes the stick.

When you're dating someone and you only see them periodically, you tend to see the best side of that someone. It gives you this false impression of what this person is really like. As you start to spend more time with them (scratching beneath the surface), you start to see a different person. What I am getting at is this: When in a relationship where you are given some time away from each other, you are able to overlook things you couldn't stand if you had it happen every day or hour of your life. As you commit yourself deeper into a relationship, the more the little things start to bother you. It is much harder to overlook things when it happens often enough.

The same goes with family members. This Thanksgiving weekend, I have spent more time with my family and siblings than I have in months. And because they are family, they know which buttons to push that sets me off faster than a rocket taking off to space. With my parents, it's unintentional, but how many times can one be reminded to do something that you have done for years? It's as if my parents still think I am 9 years old or soemthing. What vexes me the most is that I have acquired their habits in some ways. With my siblings, well, all's fair in love and war, so to speak. I am trying to get out of this cyclic habit of having them say something deliberately insensitive towards me and me getting angry at them, which then causes them to dislike me more, thereby making it easier for them to say insensitive things to me. You can only brush off so much before you lose your temper. And with siblings, they already know what they can say to set me off.

Sadly, when I get this angry, I vow to myself that should time permit me to move far enough away, I would forget them and allow time and distance to wither the familial bonds that bind us. Everytime I do say this, I soon forget that vow and act as if nothing happened only to get insulted again by them. I'm sure there are those who think that I do and say mean things to them and I do. However, that is after they have gotten me angry. I don't go out of my way to insult them or do mean things to them. I want our family to be close and a happy one.

After some ten years of this, I begin to suspect that there may not be a solution that ends this vicious cycle and that there will come a time when I won't forget what I vowed and what I want for my family won't ever exist. Already, there is a gap betwen us that is widening instead of narrowing. If I were to speak of this to my siblings, they would insult me and laugh off my idea. To me that is the sadest thing of all.

A vow that I would keep and never forget is: When I finally start my family, I will not tolerate such aggression and division between my children. I will foster amongst them a strong value of each other's place in their lives and never permit what has created such distance in my family to occur. I pray that this may be true and that such a vow is not for naught.