This ride is over.

I'm sure that after reading my last post, one might think that I am over-reacting. I can see that my reasoning isn't as obvious and clear as I could make it. I can also see that without the extended explanation, I sound forlorn and emotional. Permit me to endeavor a better explanation: A few weeks back, I had intimated that things were not going too well for me. (If you are in not in the mood to read something that will depress you then I strongly urge you to move on to another blog.)

Perhaps it was wrong for me to count on my government, whom I have paid more than 25% of my income to in the past 10 years of employment. Which is more than they will ever give back to me. Maybe, I should have cut my losses and taken the path I dreaded to walk upon, which involves falling back upon my customer service skills. Is it possible that I could have done more if I had cut my losses earlier?

I don't know if things would have changed if I had made this decision earlier. Now, with the loss of the only reliable form of transportation, it is the proverbial last straw. I had already been stretched too thin prior to the start of this weekend. The promise of a paying job, even if it was for a day or two, was too good to pass up. So, I went to the job site and fortune did not smile upon me.

Sure, I am glad that no one was hurt. Sure, I am glad that I didn't suffer anything more serious than whiplash. Of course I am glad that the driver of the other vehicle was more understanding than he had any reason to be. But, the fact is that there is three thousand dollars worth of front end damage to a car that is worth half of that. Insurance won't pay for it and I don't have enough funds to afford to go forward with the repairs.

Much like a spring that has been over stretched, there is no more resiliency left in me. No amount of positive thinking can overcome the repeated misfortune that has befallen me in these past ninety days. Not even a quarter of a year has passed, yet I have burned through half of what is left of my retirement savings, I don't have any reliable income, I have resorted to eating trail mix for meals, and I haven't even paid off this semester's tuition. I can't afford another car. Nor the increased insurance I will undoubtedly accrue due to my most recent bout of misfortune.

With all this looming over my head, I recognize that I just cannot continue my education. The pursuit of a degree is over. Opportunity has slammed the door in my face as I tried to walk through. I will be speaking to my professors to see if I can still withdraw without failing my classes and find a full time job again in the customer service industry that I so greatly despise.

This upsets me beyond anything I have experienced before in my life. Something that I have sacrificed for, worked for, starved for and with a mere 34 credits from completion, I am denied by the circumstances of my life from fulfilling this goal. The cruel understanding of how unfair life can be doesn't escape me at this time.

This recognition is what causes me to desire curling up into a ball and wish that the world did not exist. I will do what I need to do even as I rage against this unfortunate fact. I am sorry that I have depressed you all by permitting you the opportunity to read this. As I said, just move on.