Careful, I'm fragile

I hadn't realized how emotionally brittle I had become until a friend tried to break the news gently to me that the internship at this company I am applying for might not take into consideration that my work experience prior to getting my degree as something worthy of consideration. Nor see that my experience is an added bonus in accepting my application which distinguishes me from all the others. Or see that by showing my utility and adaptability in a constantly changing environment, I am more suited to learn the necessary intricacies of the job demands.

I tried to talk my way around his dose of caution. I tried to explain to him that I could learn anything that would be needed, and that by the merits of my past experience, I could do more than the average starting engineer. He sat there nonplussed and repeated that it might be seen as experience that wasn't related to engineering, thus wouldn't be any advantage at all. I was devastated.

You see, I need to have them accept this past experience as an advantage. I need to feel that I am special and unique. I need to know that this transitory defeat in my life is exactly what it must be: temporary. It just showed me how truly desperate as well as how disconnected I have become in my need for a paying job.

It may be that my optimistic attitude, to keep moving forward, is actually masking the reality that all is not right in my world. That in my optimism, I am distancing myself from the hunger, the edge, that I need to get the job at all costs. Worse of all, I am awakened to the realization that I may be letting my optimism blind me from seeing things as they truly are. That, due to my previous work experience, I am content to stay in the ambiguous world of being unemployed, instead of the cutthroat world I left behind in the flames of misfortune. I'm disappointed by this discovery and the creeping apprehension that I may not be doing enough, despite my need.

How unwelcome this realization is, and yet, in light of my recent near breakdown when my friend tried to inject caution into my desperate delusion, closer in alignment to reality. I hesitate to take the time to think on this and truly understand what it is that I desire and what it means for my future plans. I have been so focused on finding a way to make ends meet that I haven't seen that I may be setting myself up for a stupendous fall.

Time to face the cold hard facts. Time to make a decision. I wonder if there is any wisdom in posting this. I don't want my desperation to snowball by causing others to feel my anxiety unguarded. Yet, where else can I go to share what I am thinking and most certainly feeling?