Peeking through the veil of innocence

Last night, I was looking for a *gasp* floppy disk from my first round at getting my four year degree when I once intended to be a computer scientest. I was getting frustrated with the compiler being foisted upon me by the Engineering department at the college I now attend. This particular compiler has a copyright date of 1990. I was thinking that if I could find the compiler I used in the past, I might actually be able to use some more modern syntax instead of the 15+ year old stuff I am currently using. After alot of searching, I didn't find the compiler I was looking for.

I did, however, find some essays I wrote for English 101 when I was a freshman, and still in my possession since I am such a packrat (I inherited this from the maternal side. The basement has been rechristened Mom's warehouse). You know how you can think you were better when you were younger, and use that as a reason to spur yourself in to doing things you "once" did better in the past? Well, let's just say after reading those essays, I have a greater appreciation of how much I have matured and refined my abilities in the past eight or ten years. Especially in my writing skills. I promise you that I am doing everyone a great service by not even thinking about sharing them.

Don't get me wrong, I could clearly see the insouciant attidude that I still have now. But, if I were to grade that essay now, I would have skewered a budding ego before it could have bloomed. Oh, where to start. Hrmmm. I should say that I wasn't a bad writer then, but I could clearly see some areas that could be improved. To start with, I have this habit of just blathering on about what ever crossed my mind as I wrote, yet somehow manage to tie it all together. I still do that now. Only now, I actually polish it and cut inconsequential pieces out. (Also known as editing in some circles.)

In reading these essays, seperated by so much time, I couldn't even follow my own train of thought. I hop around without a thought of seguing from idea to idea. I could also see the introspective nature I still harbor. Also clearly exhibited, was the unbridled exuberance for life that I don't often exhibit now. And the list just keeps growing as I think about it. So little time has passed, and I wonder to myself how did I come by this change in my style of writing?

I know the answer, of course. It began when I started working in the corporate environment. Emotions had to be restrained, and exuberance had to be muted. Most of all, harsh lessons would be learned there. I had to learn that writing a memo in the midst of great irritation was a bad idea that only earned me more resistance the next time I had to deal with that person. (I have since developed a habit which resolved that by writing the letter, and then coming back to it an hour later to tone it down.)

In this environment, it seemed to me that Machiavelli's The Prince was widely read by management. Which taught me to be wary of the phrase, "I am here to help you and if you have a problem, feel free to tell me about it," anytime it came out of manager's mouth. I experienced for the first time the depths that people can sink to when I was backstabbed by some unqualified collegue for a position we were vying for. Also imparted by the corporate culture was the valuable lesson on how to write bland memos that could make my point without seeming to. (By far the hardest thing I had to do, and I suspsect I still need to work on this one.) Now, I know that not all places are like that, but as it always is with your first time experiencing something, the experience leaves an indelible mark upon you, which you use as a yardstick to compare all other similar experiences against.

I don't even know why I am sharing this except as an observation on how much I have improved, and to show that the changes do make me better, which validates my previous post further. Oh yeah, it was to share the embarrassment I feel over the amateurish nature of those "well written" papers from the other side of that veil of innocence and idealism. I was so embarrassed upon reading them that I was actually blushing. I wanted to load up the essays on my computer and re-edit them so that they might be more refined.

I think I will keep them the way they are since they represent a milestone in my life and show me how time has made me better. Especially now, when I think that I may actually know that there is more to learn and that we can't ever stop learning. Time to find that silly compiler so that I can take this one out back and put it out of its misery. Good thing I don't age as poorly as this compiler has since I am just a few years shy of being twice its age. *grin*