What we believe in?

Today, the weather was mostly sunny as I drove to classes to take the first in a series of four midterms. Yet for some inexplicable reason, all the clouds that were in the sky seemed to be centered over the area I live in. So much for the relative accuracy of the weather forecast.

I'm sure you're all thinking it: He's talking about the weather. Bloggers don't talk about the weather. Talking about the weather means that his creative juices are running dry, and he is grasping at straws (or anything else) to come up with a subject to post something on. There goes the quality of his blog. Time to find another blog to read in its place. *grin* Ok, maybe you're not thinking that.

I assure you the river of creative thought hasn't run dry. I have not lost my will to write about my feelings, as I suspect the only way I won't feel anything is if I am dead. Much as I wish I were so, thanks to the events going on in my life and all these wonderful midterms, God has a wicked sense of humor (the paradox of what I just wrote really amuses me), so I am most assuredly alive. All that stuff about not bearing more than you can handle and such. But, I didn't start to write this because I wanted to share aphorisms with everyone.

I started to write because I wanted to share this slightly amusing (to me at least) event that happened during my day as I drove to class. Which has to do with the fickle weather. (Wasn't it in the low fifties last week? Now it's in the twenties.) A small and inconsequential event in my life that I took notice of because I felt a great amount of amusement as it happened. And to share the thoughts they prompted afterwards.

So, I was driving to class, and on the way out of my neighborhood, I noticed that the sun had come out and seemed to be leading the way as I drove. The thought that the heavens had opened up and lit a path for me to follow came to my mind. I was chasing the fleeing ray of light in my steel chariot. I chuckled at the ridiculous nature of this thought.

And then, I returned to my senses, thanks to the wonders of science, I realized that I must be following a fast moving cloud that happened to open enough of the cloud cover directly over me to shed light over me. Much of the mystery and grandeur was removed from that unwitting realization. A kind of lost innocence.

Instead of feeling a tiniest bit important and special, I made myself realize that this occurrence had no real meaning. It was merely a coincidence. It also caused me to wonder. What is it about faith that gives people meaning? Where does hope, or belief that something exists even though we know that we shouldn't expect it to, have its place in this world?

We have come to a point where we try to find meaning without faith in our lives. For those who eschew faith based meaning, where is meaning to be found? If there is nothing to work for once we are dead and gone, should we take meaning by the things that we achieve? And once we attain the goal we seek, do we set our eyes upon some new goal to achieve? Is achieving some task or gaining some material goal how we find meaning? I find it difficult to believe that all there is to life is getting to the next highest hill. Pretty soon, you get to a hill you can't get higher than. Then, what will you do to still lead a meaningful life? If you were the richest person in this world, what would you aspire to?

I then wondered to myself, what meaning do I seek? In spite of my faith, what else is there that I hold as an important reason for continuing in the face of difficulties? If I were suddenly to learn that my faith was some awful joke, where would I go to find meaning for my life? As I change and adapt to the new things that are happening to me in my life, what is it that I hold closely to myself that gives me meaning? When, heaven forbid, some new and more difficult part of my life approaches, what is it that I believe in?

I don't really know. There are no simple answers for this question. No pithy solution that makes perfect sense. As much as I can analyze myself, I know I have not come close to plumbing the depths of my own being, let alone understanding the world around me. Perhaps, in a time to come, I might know the answer. Until then, I continue to explore, maybe learn something new as I go about living and seeking that meaning I desire.