Disconnect from possessions

Yes, I'm displaying my lack of artistical talent for all to see.

I read K's post regarding attachment to objects, and I entirely understood what her teacher's intent was in that lesson. In having that accident, I couldn't understand why I was so happy. It took a while for me to understand how I could feel so carefree despite my repeated losses. In the hectic rush to find a job and searching for a new mode of transportation, I have had little time to be introspective. I was reacting to life's punches, not taking control of it. And by not being in control, chance was directing my life.

With the constant, unceasing maintenance that a twelve year old car really needs to keep it running, I had been pouring alot of money into it. (Instead, I now throw my money into a fifteen year old van. I learned really well from the first time, no?) In dog years, the poor thing was well over eighty. For a car that has been operated nearly daily through every day of it's operating life, it wasn't a surprise that things were starting to wear out. The issue was that with each repair, the mounting labor costs were making me see red everytime I had to pay for the repairs. Even when I did have the repairs done, I knew in the back of my mind that in a month or two, I would have to pay for more impending repairs.

I had once posted about the expectations of other people in my life as well as how their interaction and needs affected my life. (Above, you see the art that I created for that post. Well, I consider it art.) At no point did I consider that the possessions in my life also demanded my attention. Through my attachment to my car, I kept holding onto a car which was draining thousands of dollars a year through repairs that could have gone towards monthly payments to a new(er) car.

With that understanding, it makes completely perfect sense for me to feel so carefree and happy. I no longer carry the quiet dissatisfaction and constant reminder that there is something else that needs to be fixed each time I drove. Instead, I listen to the loud racket of my father's van as it slowly winds up to speed, drivers cursing me as they swerve around the slow moving elephant. Only this time, I know that the thing is intended to slowly fall apart, and so long as it still putters along, the only maintenance it will get is the bare minimum to keep it alive until I find a new vehicle.

(Right, already made a liar out of myself. I have started doing things to fix some of the more egregious issues like no antifreeze in the radiator as well as no brake fluid in the reservoir. And added this o-ring restorative and two quarts of oil that the "beast" had already burned through. Also removed the rust off the door connection that kept activating the door ajar light. That darn compulsion to fix things. I do have to say that it runs better now. Now if only I could get better gas mileage...)

As far as the job search has been going, I am 0 for 4. Tomorrow, I have some more places lined up. I keep in mind that unlike a batter in baseball, I only need to succeed once to hit a homerun.