A quiet walk into a new year

It seems every blog I've read so far has done a recap of this passing year. I figure I'd jump in on the bandwagon... this time.

Let's see now. Things I did this past year:

1. Got laid off from a job I despised passionately
   
2. Went back to school for an engineering degree
   
3. Studied
   
4. Looked at scantily clad women traipsing about in the mall
   
5. Studied some more
   
6. Watched women looking back at me (what an ego boost this is!)
   
7. Studied a bit more
   
8. Started this blog
   
9. Lamented about the lack of female companionship in my life
   
10. Decided that I wanted to be more active in finding aforementioned companioship
    
11. More studying here
    
12. Found some real winners (wait, that's sarcasm, isn't it?) and remained single
    
13. Studied yet again
    
14. I did not, however, meet that woman that would make me bereft of all thought
    
15. See # 13
    

Yep, that sounded postively scintillating. Fortunately, I can't study any more than I am currently doing, so that's a plus. And for next year: Stir, rinse, repeat. Oh how I love that spin cycle. It's truly dizzying. Ok, I'll stop now.

I'm off to a quiet gathering at an my uncle's place to celebrate another year gone by with some cappuccino made by yours truly (I learned everything I know from drinking StarMegaBucks beverages). And I get closer each year to making it right. I wonder what it would be like working there. What a scary thought.

Well, regardless of that, I have one last thing to say this year before I leave: Have a happy and exciting new year!

I'm so contrary

I was driving home tonight, and I was having this conversation with myself. It just showed me how contrary I can be.

I was observing to myself that I didn't want to be stuck working in one place all the time. I declared to myself that I want a job that allows me to move around as I work, even exercise a bit, all the while keeping me mentally stimulated.

Then as I finshed that thought, I realized that I was also the same person who once said he didn't want to move around much.

There is some irony there. I can say one thing and think the complete opposite. How different circumstances can change how I feel about my work environment. I grant that the reason I want to be able to move around a bit is because my last job had me tethered on a leash of about six feet long.

Yes, I was a "Customer Support Technician" in a past life. We all wore headsets that allowed us the entire range of motion of turning from one corner of our desk to the other corner. I survived for four and one third years answering such inane questions as "Where is the power switch?" and "Can you give me a discount on these parts?" I spent many a year asking such questions as "Did you plug the machine in?" and "Did you turn the contrast for the screen?" only to receive the response, "Oh! You fixed the machine!" *

If you knew how impatient I am (Hey, I am a New Yorker, we're all pretty impatient), you would understand what kind of torture it is to sit waiting for your customer to run from the front of the store to the back of the store to go check if the machine is plugged in. I whiled away many a long day staring at the windowless, gun metal grey walls of my cubicle waiting for a response.

But enough of that. I'm sure you all understand why I don't want to be stuck in one place where I can't even go to the bathroom because I am supposed to be at my desk answering phone calls. And since they were going "corporate" we weren't even allowed to have toys at our desk to idle the time away as we waited.

It's not that I didn't get to go places, usually, it was entirely last minute before I had to run home to pack my things. So, now after that wonderful experience, I want a job where I can move around. Be mobile. Talk face to face with people. Have nothing to do with phones for as long as I live as a possibility. Hence the reason I was explaining to myself that I wanted such a job that let me move around.

Now the questions is what kind of job permits me to do that? I can think of several package companies that might give me mobility I want, but traffic stinks in the New York metro area and I don't think it is exactly mentally stimulating. I hear rumor that there are some major high tech industries that have world wide customers, and they promise some mobility. Who knows, maybe that's where I will look.

* As a side note for those who don't understand why these questions are so elementary: Supposedly, they were trained on how to use it beforehand by our salesmen. That is an entirely separate story of its own that I don't wish to go into. Suffice to say that salesmen are sloppy trainers at best.

It's all about the gift cards

Ok, as I mentioned before, I gave out many gift cards this time around and in return, I received a bunch of gift cards for Christmas this year. They're both nice and easy to get for somone as a present as I recently experienced. Being on the receiving end of gift cards, I can say that they are truly two sides of a coin. For the receipient, they are great if you like the stuff they sell at that store. Or the gift cards can stink if you don't frequent a particular type of store and you get locked into going to that one place just to use the gift card.

More specifically, gift cards are great when they come from a large chain type store. You can always find a CompUSA, Macy's or Bloomingdale's in the major local area mall. You can't, however, expect to find a local restaurant like J and R's steakhouse, Microcenter or a local organic food store nearby. The person you give the gift card would have to live around here. The best option (besides getting them a real gift) is to get a gift card at a place you know they frequent.

So, imagine my surprise when I decided to indulge one of my vices, which is playing strategy based computer games until the sun peeks out the next morning, and I couldn't find a single copy of the latest Civilization at three different Best Buy stores. The game has been out since November, so you'd figure the rush has ended for them. After driving to the fourth store, I finally found it and discovered why they were selling like hotcakes. They were ten dollars off. Only this store hadn't gotten around to labelling them at the discounted price. So I finally was able to use that Best Buy gift card I received. Thank goodness for laziness.

No sugar?

Today, I sampled one of the presents I received from one of my siblings. I say sampled because I received a can of Godiva's Dark Chocolate Cocoa. I have to admit, it's just shy of injecting liquid chocolate into the veins. Wow. Why dark chocolate, you ask?

Well, dark chocolate is closer to pure chocolate straight from cocoa beans. It's not diluted with cream to make it sweeter. There are claims that it retains more of the cocoa taste. I am no connoisseur, so I can only say that I like it for a simpler reason. Less sugar. It means I can rationalize eating (or in this case, drinking) more of it. *grin*

Besides, as I've grown older, I've gotten less sweeter. Uhhmm. Let me rephrase that. As I've gotten older, I've gotten less partial to sweets. There is a distinct acidic after taste when you ingest sugar. In fact, if you've ever gotten cottenmouth, it's likely because you ate or drank something sweet a while ago. I really don't like getting cotton mouth. To avoid this, I eat less sugary things. It's not to say that I won't eat that glazed, frosting covered, sugar filled, soft chewy candy. I just avoid eating sugary things if it isn't what I am craving.

Heck, I drink my coffee with a touch of milk and no sugar. Everytime I order it this way, I always get asked, "No sugar?" I then have to repeat myself. When I first started drinking coffee, my family used to joke that I drank a little coffee with my sugar. I've become accustomed to bitter drinks. (Is this the reason I am bitter now instead of sweet? Nah.) Besides, if you purchase gourmet coffee, sugar completely destroys or masks much of the fragile and gentle flavors that the coffee bean may contain. I'm not ready to drink it black just yet. Now, that would be a truly bitter draught.

Best of all, the dentist likes me because my teeth have much less evidence of decay. Which shortens my visits and I like that. So there are some benefits to eating less sugar. Granted, that is more of a pratical concern, but it also means less pain, and I'm all for that.

I've often wondered what people used to eat for sweets before sugar cane was discovered. Or drink in the mornings for that matter before the coffee bean was discovered. Caffinated tea? Perhaps I will go find out one of these days.

A way with words.

Ever notice that your choice of words can give away more than you meant to say? When you write something, you will write using words that are more in tune with what you are thinking than you intended.

For instance, when someone makes an error while doing something they do on a daily basis, the differing connotations between mistake and mishap cause management to react differently. Perhaps I should put it into context. Shipping made a mistake and sent the overnight package to the wrong address. And: There's been a shipping mishap and the overnight package was delivered to the customer's home address. Which one raises the danger flags for you?

One statement causes management to go on a war path and the other causes them to say, Well, go fix it. One lays the issue on the heads of those who caused the latest emergency. For the other statement, the problem seems innocuous and something well in your ability handle and raises the question why you haven't already resolved it.

The same goes for condone and encourage. One says you'll passively watch someone do something that you may consider as wrong, and the other says that you'll cheer them on and maybe even help them. A friend of mine made the error of using the word encourage in the same sentence in relationship with vandalism and he's been kicked out of the dormitories. He's appealing their action, but the damning fact is that he put that in writing. Now I think I begin to understand why politicians speak the way they do.

For someone else, whom I won't name, (but you know who you are) observing that there are many options and paths in the same paragraph with trusting yourself often means that you're making a big life-changing decision. And as an avid reader of Sherlock Holmes stories, well, the deduction was obvious, dear Watson... ;) Good luck where ever you choose to go, and remember, home is where you choose to make it, not where you are.

So what it comes down to is that one should be careful how you choose the words as they may say more than they are meant to say.

So, when are you going to get married?

I went to the Christmas party for the other half of my extended family (this being my father's side) and it also happens to be the larger side of the family. We all gathered together and being the most technically inclined member in this family, I get asked for help to fix computers, help them set up itunes and their ipods, etc. And I usually get the things working in short order. Not bad for a guy who doesn't own an ipod and has never used itunes. That wasn't so bad. The real trick is remembering pertinent details about family that you don't see on a regular basis.

You know how things go when you don't see all of the family in a while, you sort of lose track of their ages and when you go and ask, you get the surprise of your life. She's how old now? And she is going to college now? I remember holding her in my arms and giving her a bottle of milk. He's going to graduate this spring? That doesn't jive with my mental image of him as a four year old in his first tux. The worst part is when you finally get clued in on the fact that another cousin had a baby in the interim since your last visit. Then there is the annoucement that some other cousin is getting married. The realization that time has flown is most apparent when I play with the next generation of children.

Where did the time go? I see on the horizon that the big three oh is fast approaching and I look on my recent past wondering where are the achievements that I can boast about. What have I to show for it? I've realized that I've been running in place without really accomplishing much. This should really prod me to work harder at accomplishing something. However, I realize that I am already working hard at something, which is getting my engineering degree.

The hardest thing for me to overlook are the expectant faces looking for the girl I should be introducing as my prospective future wife. You can't really explain to them that it is all on hold until I can get my engineering degree, and even daydreaming about a girl can be trouble when I need to stay focused. Many of you think that this shouldn't be a great deal of pressure. Well, I need to explain a few things to you about my cultural heritage.

If you haven't heard of the horrible stories of young asian females getting drowned, killed or left to die because their parents really wanted a boy, you've been living in a cave. (Sorry about the horrible imagery on Christmas Day) The reason is that my culture counts boys as a blessing and well, I won't go over how my cultural heritage counts females. My family is more enlightened and more understanding, but they are no different.

Add to this that I am the first male son of the first male son of the first male son of the first male son in the family (yeah, that's four generations), there is a great deal of importance for me to marry and produce a strapping healthy son. I have a streak to keep up. So, when they look expectantly for me to walk in with a pretty and healthy child-bearing girl in tow, there is a great deal riding on this for my family.

So, on top of my need to find someone who is both intellectually compatible and has a great personality, she needs to provide all of those things that my family expects. It's no wonder at all that I can't find someone. As much as I celebrate the fact that my family is happy and healthy, and moving on to larger things, I will always have this looming over me until the day I bring in that baby boy. It kind of dulls the happiness one can take from the holidays.

The good news is that as we become more assimilated into the American culture, equality holds more sway and each successive generation will count it to be less important if you have either sex for a child. Hopefully, any child that is produced from my union won't have that weighing over their heads.

Christmas Eve Re-cap

I was daydreaming on the drive into the city today to celebrate Christmas with half of my extended family. Worse yet, I was daydreaming while driving and almost missed the exit to the BQE and almost ended up in Midtown instead of the LES. I've been a licensed driver for more than ten years, and I've never daydreamed while driving in rush hour traffice before. The good thing is that I've gotten so used to stop and go traffic that I can go on automatic. If my passenger, aka mom, hadn't reminded me that we had to get off the LIE, I'd have been navigating through the streets of Manhattan around 34th street.

What was I daydreaming about? It's embarrasing to admit it: I was daydreaming about a girl like a love struck teenager. Yep, dormant hormones that I thought I had sloughed off as a teenager once again raged through my body causing havoc to my nervous system and I started to daydream. While driving. With passengers. Fortunately, I was able to push off the fog of testosterone during the party and enjoyed it thoroughly.

And while I've observed it in passing before, however, I was not the only single guy there. Safety in numbers, I say. We gathered in a corner and started swapping off-color innuendoes. We watched the Christmas Story for the umpteenth time. Presents were opened and I received money in various forms. As a poor college student, they were exactly what I wanted. (I might even be able to afford my next semester now.) We also had a mystery grab bag thing and I won a Gerber early stage juice fruit snack box. Yay. I swapped it with my cousin, who has a two year old daughter. In return, I received a doggy bone shaped carabiner clip with blue led light. Fair trade as far as I'm concerned. Even if it's purple. My keys will eventually wear away the anodizing.

The twist for this grab bag thing is that one of the presents had a sticker on it and the winner gets an additional prize. This year, the prize followed the theme of the Christmas Story. It was this: A leg lamp night light.

Then we went home, and I went back to daydreaming. In a fog of testosterone again. Fortunately, my dad was driving this time. He was in the city earlier in the day and we met up there. I look forward to tomorrow morning and that moment of truth when our gifts to each other are opened. *grin*

It's beginning to feel like Christmas

Aaaaaahhh. I'm stuffed to the gills after having dinner with my parents. My other siblings have gone on their merry ways elsewhere. I spent the entire day listening to nothing but Christmas music, doing the last of the Christmas shopping and wrapping them all up. Now this is what it ought to feel like when I say I am feeling Christmas. Feeling sated, relaxed and content. Looking forward to Christmas morning when I see my family open their presents.

As an aside, I should let everyone else know that the wrapping theme involved large boxes filled with shipping peanuts and gift cards. I made one large box that is half filled with these peanuts, and when you shake it, it makes a noise, well, like a half filled box full of peanuts. Taped to the wall of the box is the gift card. Another gift has three smaller boxes inside a bigger box, all three filled with peanuts and wrapped the same way. Only one of them contains a gift card.

Yeah, I know I'm being evil. If only everyone could see the gleeful grin I have on my face as I imagine their expressions. The surprise would be that what appears to be nothing really is something when you look more carefully. I wanted to make this wooden box with nothing inside it until you looked carefully at the bottom and realize it has a false bottom. Unfortunately, lack of time and lack of a complete carpentry shop prevented me from carrying out that idea.

The best part so far was the early Christmas present I gave to the youngest member of our family, the pet dog. It was a new bed made of lambskin wool. That hairy and loyal member of our family took to it within minutes and was happily wagging his tail like a broom sweeping the floor. That moment just about brightened up my entire day.

Here's to wishing everyone out there a happy and safe Christmas or whichever holiday you observe. Happy Holidays!

Lately, I've been spending so much time studying and completing course work that the only time I see another human being is when I have to walk into a classroom. This realization has gotten me to thinking.

It is my natural tendency to prefer quiet and isolation over noise and large groups of people, and this has allowed me to move through my life in relative peace. This peace is only marred when I follow this "need" to find someone special to interact with. Although a number of people have told me that I should get out more, do things with other people, I prefer my introspective oasis. I suppose it could be argued that I am in my "safe" zone and that I need to extend this zone in a way that increases my ability to interact with others. I've often wondered: Why should I try to exit my safe zone in the first place?

When I finally go to a party after getting "convinced" to go, I realize I don't know anyone there (besides those that dragged me to this party). Of course, the thought that crosses my mind after such a realization is, "What am I doing here?" The second thought usually is, "What should I say?" I begin to feel like a fish out of water. And as I search through my now blank mind for anything to say, the next thought is, "I'd rather be home right now."

Considering the thoughts that cross my mind, they are probably similar to that poor fish gasping its last breath. Yet, what can I do? What should I talk about? I know I haven't been able to watch the latest soap/dramas in months. Heck, the last movie I saw before King Kong was Batman Begins about six months ago.

Maybe I should talk about girls? Ok, sure, I had a girl friend about three years ago and we broke up because I was never around thanks to my unpredictable job. She's now happily dating someone else. My current search for a new relationship has been fruitless because I'm not meeting people that I want to be part of my life. The few that I find interesting already carry plenty of baggage and I'm not so sure I am willing to help them carry it. Is there more I can say about that?

How about talking about my past job? Well, that's much like poking at a healing wound to see if it still hurts. Even though I have expunged most of the rancor I feel towards my past employer, if you catch me at a moment where I am not thinking about it, I can divulge things about them that would have had less dedicated (stubborn?) people walking out the door on the same day they started. (Which, in fact, one guy who started there did. Maybe I should have followed him.)

Perhaps I should talk about my school work? Sure, I really like watching people's eyes glaze over and get the absentminded, "You don't say?" all the while they're thinking of how to extricate themselves from this boring nerd. I said that I couldn't interact well with others, it doesn't mean that I can't read body language.

Oh, did I just make that thought public? Yes, I have. I've discovered that most people aren't really interested in having a conversation with you. They'd rather talk about themselves. As social beings, they are tallying up whether they are gaining social points by being around certain types of people. So, now that geeks are the "in" people to hang around now, I am getting more socially conscious people conspicously talking to me just to be seen by others that they are hanging around someone who is smart. Maybe some of it might rub off and they'll know how to program the Tivo when they're done collecting points.

I may've said it before, it is the rare person who is genuinely interested in what you have to say. I know I try to find something of interest in what people tell me. They will usually have my attention for as long as that takes. After that, it is easy to engage my attention. I know how well that this is the case or I wouldn't have complete strangers willing to hang around me. In spite of that, I prefer to be around people who are naturally intelligent and willing to share what they know.

It's much like a parallel to the axiom that you are known by the friends whom you keep. You are as intelligent as the people you associate with. I like to think that being around such people stimulates you to do more, think faster, maybe even work harder. In such interaction, our collective intelligences are rubbed off upon each other and we improve in new areas that we begin understand.

I wonder if some of those social point collector's habits may rub off on me. Do I associate with people for social points? I certainly hope not. I would rather that in their association with me, they are bettered without beggaring me.

So, as I was saying before I started off on this tangent, I've been studying way too hard. I'm slowly becoming engulfed by bitterness over how my life isn't the exciting new adventure I had thought it could be. I continue to work towards bettering myself in the hope that I may once again rejoin that glorius road I left behind. Which is only interrupted when I step away from that path to interact with others, wondering if they will walk down that road with me awhile.

I think I will head out to happy hour tomorrow after that last final and just relax. Do nothing but watch people interact with each other and see what component I am missing. While there, I will do my best impression of tragically holding up the wall before it falls over on everyone. And see what comes my way.

Family matters?

"Blood is thicker than water," it has been said. "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family," is another axiom that comes to mind. So it comes as no surprise
for me to hear that my family is splitting up for Christmas. By pure accident, we were not given the invitation to the family (on my father's side) Christmas party. So, my family started making plans.

For my part, I had planned to stay home and share Christmas with my pet dog. He's not going anywhere and well, frankly, he's a lot lower maintence than a girl friend (and no matter how often I leave him, he's always happy and excited to see me). However, today, we were given that belated invitation and most of my family isn't planning on going.

Some reasons are understandable, like one of my siblings, who works the night shift simply won't be able to skip that night because they are already too shorthanded. Or the other sibling who is going to their significant other's parents Christmas party, which, of course, that invitation was delivered in a timely manner. For my parents, they are still undecided. My mother has made it clear that she would rather go to a concert being held in CT. My father, being at a function hasn't said what he plans to do. Since it is my family, I have every intention of going. Even if it means going alone.

In the past, I've chastised my mother over her ever increasing ambivalence towards my extended family, but she is unrepentant on that front. I've often wondered where my social awkwardness comes from and I suspect I know from whom I learned this from. It's not that my mother is socially inept because she is a veteran socialite. As we, their children, have gotten older, my parents have become more socially active in different social circles. For my mother, where family is concerned, outside of her immediate nuclear family, she isn't concerned about how others behave or interact with each other. This includes my relatives. I'm not sure if she holds them in disdain, but when it comes to choosing where she would rather be, it has not been with my extended family. I admit that I have been guilty of this when I was in high school when the future was still rosy and bright.

I am concerend that this attitude will eventually cause the close knit family that my father has to eventually fragment. I've already watched her side of the family become more and more polarized. It has gotten to the point that I don't even know my maternal cousins very well, and they do not hold a special place in their heart for me and my siblings. In fact, when they do interact with us, it is as if we were strangers. It saddens me that they have grown apart from me. As time goes by, the consistency of that family blood will turn to the thickness of water.

A quote from Evelyn Waugh comes to mind: Don't hold your parent's in contempt. After all, you are there son, and it is just possible that you may take after them. I am a bit concerned over this and wonder about which side I will take after. In light of some of my recent posts, I have reason to worry.

On a different subject, one of my siblings ever so kindly pointed out to me that I am the only person who will be there celebrating Christmas that is over the age of 17 without a significant other. Wow, I feel that my mood is so much better already for that being observed about me. Really. No sarcasm here. No, sir, not one iota.

*UPDATE* I spoke to my dad this evening (12/20) and he says all of us who are not busy will be going to the Christmas party.

Feeeeeeelings.

Bah, humbug, I say. Yeah, my holiday spirit is feeling low. Just how I am feeling right now.

Feeling the pinch of the holidays. Feeling the pressure of finals week looming before me. Finding it hard to see any holiday cheer, especially without two pennies to rub together. It's not just because I am flat broke either. Getting everyone gift cards this year and that is not at all like me. Feeling down, though not because I feel lonely (I do feel lonely, but that isn't the main reason). It's the end of the year and it simply doesn't feel like Christmas.

It's hard to find excitement when the sentiments of Christmas are givng gifts cards as presents. There's no creativity in that. What happened to the excitement, the mystery and the anticipation? Where are the carefully considered gifts that makes everyone appreciate your thoughtfulness? Maybe Christmas has been over-commercialized. The holiday spirit is spread so thinly that no one makes the attempt to feel any of it at this time of the year. How can you feel it when the darn holiday starts two weeks before December?

I am not feeling Christmas this year. Perhaps it's because I am spending the week leading to Christmas studying my butt off and looking forward to a break in the studying. Add that to how few people are expressing the holiday spirit around here along with not seeing anyone at the same time and that is what is making me feel so down.

King Kong, the movie

I went to see the movie King Kong last night and I have to say that way too much time was spent looking at Naomi Watts' face. Don't get me wrong, she is very pretty and quite attractive. She also has those nice blue eyes that director Peter Jackson displays quite often. However, the movie might have been 15 minutes shorter if we didn't see this all the time:

Courtesy of IMDB.com
There isn't any doubt that her interaction with the green screen set and acting to a green wall is quite an amazing feat and likely makes the movie work as well as it does. Still, I will say again: I think that as pretty as she is, I spent too much time gazing at her forlorn face during the course of this movie. I suppose the director wanted to see how weak and helpless she is. Either that or how dumbfounded she can look. Or crazy. I don't know.

Other issues I had were the number of times the director decided to show us how the steam engine worked to represent the passing of time. I also thought it kind of sad how they portrayed the Model T as a sports car. I guess they're playing to the GTA generation. Remember, the Model T managed to produce something like 15 horsepower. The 180 degree spin moves wouldn't work if I understand physics correctly.

The funniest part of the movie for me is the traffic jam in that valley (I think you just have to see it to get this reference). The best part of the movie in terms of imagery would have to be the part where Ann Darrow, played by Naomi Watts, is dressed in this flowing white evening gown and she is calmly and regally walking down the wintry streets of New York and they switch to a side shot as she approaches King Kong. Something about it struck me and I haven't thought about it enough to understand the reason it has such an effect on me. There's this element of elegance in the scene as she walks towards King Kong that plays back again in my head. Probably the best shot I've seen in a movie.

Courtesy of IMDB.com
I think the movie was pretty good. Though at three hours long, I would have preferred to watch this movie in the comfort of my own home. I give it three and a half stars.

Is it a question of lust?

I must apologize for not posting the other day, I have been working hard at finishing some 73 labs and their accompanying write ups and haven't been near an internet connection the entire time. I admit it, I am all labbed out now.

Today, I sat quietly eating my lunch while listening to a group of christian college students discuss living arrangements that others they knew had made prior to marriage. They also asked amongst themselves how one could be with someone and not have known that person intimately before marriage. One question that struck me was this: Would you marry someone without having sex with them beforehand?

Am I a try before you buy type of person or one who walks unkowingly in to a permanent engagement? I honestly don't know. If I met someone who I was adoring entirely but wouldn't have sex with me until after we were married, what would I do? Seeing as I am currently unattached, it would be merely an exercise in What ifs. There is no knowing for sure until I find someone like that.

I imagine that there would have to be something truly compelling about the person for me, an allure that causes me to trust that my interest and eventually my love will more than compensate for any issues in the bedroom. Yet, in the current culture where it is so easy to get divorced and one of the major reasons for divorce is adultery caused by the lack of satisfaction in the bedroom, is this an untenable tenet of morality? Is saving oneself for that special person a good reason anymore? Is the philosophy that there is only one person in your life valid?

I have always believed that every single person who enters your life teaches you something. Whether you realize what that is immediately or years down the road of life, something in your meeting was a reason to learn something new. I have learned what it is like to give without asking for something really is like from someone who passed briefly through my life. I learned the true meaning of friendship when a friend stood behind me when I was wrong. I learned how petty I can be when I am irked by some stranger. Sometimes, it takes many years to recognize that anything was learned in a chance meeting.

Which brings me to my point: What if you are missing out on learning something new by avoiding intimate relationships before meeting that special person? What if the lack of relationships with the opposite sex causes you to never develop the ability to have a close relationship in the first place? No philosophy can give the experience of having to overlook the faults in others better than being with someone in close quarters for more than passing minutes in one day.

So, in all of this, is having an intimate relationship prior to marriage with anyone merely a question of lust?

Is it so wrong?

It may sound callous and even cruel, however, I have to confess. I find it funny when I see a rude, obnoxious person ensnared in a tarry (as in tar pit, not late) situation. They desperately look around for assistance only to discover that they have alienated all of those who might lend a helping hand. I don't mean it's funny in a good way either. Usually, in a situation like this, I can only watch from a distance, so far removed that I can't even think about offering them assistance. Nothing I can say or do will have any effect on their situation. Kind of like watching tv.

I don't mean the people who have troubles find them unwittingly, I speak of people who are consistently rude and obnoxious to others, and show the "hate." These are the people who make their own lives interesting by offending those around them and then discover that what they have sowed is returned upon them with interest. Great, humongus, excrutiatingly large amounts of interest. Oodles of interest. I've always thought that it is a good thing when someone gets what they deserve, both good and bad.

I know, it's not very nice and very petty of me. I don't mean to say that finding these mishaps funny is a good thing. (Will I also reap what I sow?) Suffice to say, it will always be entertaining. Like a natural disaster. You can't help but be fascinated by the horror of it. Nor can you ignore it. Best of all, it's all real and unstaged. So I ask, is it so wrong?

Delusions of Grandeur

As a group of human beings, I have to admit, each and every one of us suffers from delusions of grandeur in varying degrees. Without a bit of arrogance and the belief that we matter in this existence, we would shrivel up and become wretched shells of living (and excreting) organisms with no excuse for using the resources we use up. I like to call this grand delusion optimism. A little bit of if we can dream it, we can do it mentality, so to speak.

If, we as human beings, did not think that we could succeed, that what we desired most could never be ours, such a self-defeating attitude might have left us clinging to limbs on a tree or worse yet, still part of a primordial soup that froze every few hundred centuries. This isn't meant to say that our self aggrandizement might be called hope, for we all know that hope can be dashed, and we're better than that.

Without optimism, we might have not been able to fly, soar or leave the surface of our planet for other worlds. Or span contintents and bridge rivers. How many now famous inventors would have carried on in face of severe criticism? We know that we can exceed what people think we are capable of and that is why we are going to succeed.

In an optimistic way, I fancy myself a decent writer and an intelligent engineer. If I didn't, I would not attempt to publish what I think or feel. I would not strive so hard to excel in my classes and complete the required coursework. If I were not optimistic (or deluded for that matter), I would not continue on with the, thus far, fruitless search for a mate after each rejection. Eventually to reproduce little versions of me. I would let the frustration hold me back, countering my motivation to continue on. I might have aborted my life and put an end to my ability to contribute to this world.

Conversely, we can take things too far. With optimism taken to an extreme, it can be arrogance. We could be arrogant and act as if those who were not like us don't belong. I mean my cultural heritage is easily guilty of such paralyzing arrogance. My ancestors even named the country they lived in, according to their language, "middle kingdom", because they believed that they were the center of the universe. And when it came time for my ancestors to defend themselves against European advances, they refused to bend, choosing to ignore the barbarians and subsequently were broken on the knee of European colonization.

We can use the optimism to destroy things that would have benefited generations to come. In our optimism that the world is full of vast resources, how many places have been denuded and defiled? Or killed off? People have often, in their extreme optimism, done many heinous acts against humanity. I won't name any of the dozens of rulers, dictators and people with severe delusions that what they desire is right. Bush. (Oops. How did that get in there? No more talk of politics from now on in this article. Honest.)

In my case, I can count the number of times my optimism in my ability to fix anything has broken things beyond repair. Some of my siblings won't let me forget these things. I can hear them muttering now. Glow-worm. Miniture B&W TV. Remote controlled car. Radio. Talking ALF. I mean, how else could I find out how things work? Alright, perhaps I shouldn't have taken the stuffing out of the ALF or found out how a glow-worm really lit up. All right, already! Sheesh, after all these years, you'd think they'd let it go already.

What I am getting at is that without the ability to puff up our fragile egos and think that we are better than we really are, we would not be able to succeed at things that have never been done before. Therefore, minor delusions of grandeur have to be suffered for our civilization to improve. I'm not exactly happy that the world turns on such adulation and narcissism, but the world exists as what we see, not what we wish. Besides, without this arrogan-- I mean optimisim, do you think you'd be able to read my opinions at your convience?

Let tomorrow worry about tomorrow.

*EDIT: Had to turn off the word verification because it is broken.

So few of the people I have met recently really seem to count today as valuable. It is merely a transitory state for them to an ultimate goal. How often have we counted the seconds going by hoping that time would fly so that we can say goodbye to today and hello to tomorrow? I have often let my life become much like that. Even now, I see a goal that perhaps two and a half years hence will be a crowning achievement for my career plans. I will have a degree. Yet, I am seized with doubts.

In that chase for the ever elusive goal of financial independence, I have indeed forgotten how to treasure the successes of today. I don't smile at the sight of a blue cloudless sky lit by the golden glow of the sun anymore. Instead, I peer at the sidewalk, lost in my mindless pace towards a day that may or may not come. Chance having some considerable sway upon my plans to reach my goal.

I've forgotten how to rebel against being another suit with thoughts of dollar signs and material treasures. Instead, I calculate to the penny how I can afford to pay for food and rent for next month, often thinking how nice it would be not to have to do this prioritizing. To be able to purchase what I want and not worry about how it will be paid for. Or wonder where the money will come from to pay for this new emergency.

What good is the idyllic life at sixty when I must toil and starve at thirty? Will it make things taste sweeter? I can't honestly say with confidence. Who knows that on the morrow's sunrise the world might end? I certainly don't. No one that I know does either. I'm not advocating that we carpe diem here, but who knows when the end of this sundry toil really begins?

For instance, when was the last time anyone stopped to smell the roses? Will there come a day that knowing if a rose smells sweet would be a foreign concept? Will I forget to glory in accomplishing something small because I can only see that I need to accomplish something big for what might gain me respite from the current troubles I worry about? Will the larger goal eclipse the joy I can take in accomplishing something smaller today? Perhaps, that day has already come in my life.

Should I instead be grateful that I am alive and healthy? That those around me are hale and hearty? Should I count the little blessings of today? Do I count the minute triumphs (like getting out of bed and making breakfast, having paid off part of my mounting debt, doing well on a hard test or completing my course lab work) and enumerate them as things I have done that have improved my lot? Can I feel happy that the clouds have gone and the sun shines again? And if I can, should I?

Or should I, as I have said once upon a time (and others like Jens Nygaard, whom has also said) before, say again, "Too Hell with it!" and do what I wish to satisfy myself now?

Such a profound statement, "Letting tomorrow worry about tomorrow." It's not quite the Procrastinator's Creed. However, it is something that's said as a reminder to us all that we should live in the present. To see the now, and let hell and consequence go on it's merry way. (Now, if only I didn't worry...)

While I cannot vow that tomorrow will come with any cheer, I can make today more cheerful and more valuable. I can work to provide cheer to others, regardless of whether they return that cheer. I can do something nice and not expect to be rewarded for it. I can smile at someone for no reason at all. And most of all, I need to mean it sincerely when I do these things. As the song goes, "I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror, I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways." Maybe, others will join the bandwagon.

Besides, now that I've made plans to count today more valuable, it allows me to shirk my plans to do Christmas shopping for my family. As you can imagine, I've been watching the Christmas decorations that have been up for as long as three weeks now and wondering where I will find time to do the present shopping. I know! Gift cards are the procrastinator's best friends!

I'm dreaming of a white...

For those of you who don't live in the New York Metro area (and for those who care at all about this area), we had our first snow today. All of two inches. It was very nice to wake up to a white wonderland, seeing the flakes slowly settle to the ground and also seeing the branches with tufts of white. I woke up excited that it snowed too.

I haven't been this excited about snow since I was in school. Wait, I'm still in school. I meant to say that I haven't been this excited since I was a child and in school. More importantly, I didn't wake up and think: "Oh no! Now, I have to shovel the snow out of the driveway and off my car before I drive to work on the treacherous roads."

Maybe I'm just not made for work. *grin* Ok, maybe I'm not the only one. As much as I love the colder weather, I heartily despise the drivers who all become incapable of driving in this weather. I wonder if I can find a job that lets me telecommute on bad weather days when I graduate.

I am a tiny bit disappointed, since I just had my bicycle repaired and I was hoping for another warm break in the weather to test it. Ah well, spring will be here soon enough I suppose. Meanwhile, I wonder if I should fit the rims with mountain bike tires and see how well it handles in the snow. Nah, the aforementioned drivers may find me too tempting of a target.

Time to get prepped for watching football.

The answer is 42.

ROFLMAO. I have to share this:

I'm a geek, but I still don't get it. 36-24-36 = -24. What's the significance?

It (presumably serendipity was working here) shows that women are more the opposite to "The Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything".

I feel like superman today.

I'm wondering if it's just me. Today, I have suddenly accomplished a large number of tasks and errands that, prior to this moment, I have been too unmotivated to do. It's nearing midnight and I still have this feeling that I am very sharp and should apply myself to something weighty and challenging. I feel like I should go solve something difficult merely because I can. It's been like this all day. A feeling that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. Like walking through a wall. Honest. (Ok, fortunately for me, this wall also has a door. And I plan to walk through that, just to be on the safe side.)

I swear on everything that I hold of value, I am sober right now and not taking any mind altering drugs (and that includes caffiene). Does anyone else get these crystal clear moments of superactivity? Or is there something wrong with me?

Where do you call home?

Home is where the heart is.

Such a warm sentiment that spurs one to think of happy places. I've been conteplating these words of wisdom for several days now, and to be honest, I don't know where my heart is. Well, trying not to be funny, yes, I know where my heart is (in my body, silly! Ok, you can laugh now. Guess I didn't fail there.). I mean to say that I don't know where I have placed that shelter I run to when I am in need of peace. My rock in the storms of life, so to speak. The place I am rooted to when troubles find me. The place that I can go to for shelter and tell the world that this, this ineffable place, is me.

Lately, when I have been discouraged, I go to sleep. I find my haven in luxuriating in sleeping for ten hours or more. The disadvantage to this is that I can't always afford the luxury of sleep. There aren't enough waking hours to do my work as it is. I have been thinking about where can I find that "place" that allows me to cope (yes, merely cope) with my daily struggles.

I won't accept the worn cliche of putting my heart's peace with someone special. They may not have the time to assist me when I am in my time of need. Worse yet, they might betray my trust in them. Rare indeed is the friend that I can trust without reserve. In my two plus decades, I have found only two such in the thousands of people I have met in my lifetime so far. Even they cannot be there for me at all times. And we won't even discuss family members.

The crux of my dilemna is finding that reliable "place" to relocate my inner peace that will allow me to take in my troubles with a calmer outlook. This "place" cannot reside in one person and I need to be able to access it at any time, anywhere I may be. I don't even know where to begin looking for such a "place".