Lately, I've been spending so much time studying and completing course work that the only time I see another human being is when I have to walk into a classroom. This realization has gotten me to thinking.

It is my natural tendency to prefer quiet and isolation over noise and large groups of people, and this has allowed me to move through my life in relative peace. This peace is only marred when I follow this "need" to find someone special to interact with. Although a number of people have told me that I should get out more, do things with other people, I prefer my introspective oasis. I suppose it could be argued that I am in my "safe" zone and that I need to extend this zone in a way that increases my ability to interact with others. I've often wondered: Why should I try to exit my safe zone in the first place?

When I finally go to a party after getting "convinced" to go, I realize I don't know anyone there (besides those that dragged me to this party). Of course, the thought that crosses my mind after such a realization is, "What am I doing here?" The second thought usually is, "What should I say?" I begin to feel like a fish out of water. And as I search through my now blank mind for anything to say, the next thought is, "I'd rather be home right now."

Considering the thoughts that cross my mind, they are probably similar to that poor fish gasping its last breath. Yet, what can I do? What should I talk about? I know I haven't been able to watch the latest soap/dramas in months. Heck, the last movie I saw before King Kong was Batman Begins about six months ago.

Maybe I should talk about girls? Ok, sure, I had a girl friend about three years ago and we broke up because I was never around thanks to my unpredictable job. She's now happily dating someone else. My current search for a new relationship has been fruitless because I'm not meeting people that I want to be part of my life. The few that I find interesting already carry plenty of baggage and I'm not so sure I am willing to help them carry it. Is there more I can say about that?

How about talking about my past job? Well, that's much like poking at a healing wound to see if it still hurts. Even though I have expunged most of the rancor I feel towards my past employer, if you catch me at a moment where I am not thinking about it, I can divulge things about them that would have had less dedicated (stubborn?) people walking out the door on the same day they started. (Which, in fact, one guy who started there did. Maybe I should have followed him.)

Perhaps I should talk about my school work? Sure, I really like watching people's eyes glaze over and get the absentminded, "You don't say?" all the while they're thinking of how to extricate themselves from this boring nerd. I said that I couldn't interact well with others, it doesn't mean that I can't read body language.

Oh, did I just make that thought public? Yes, I have. I've discovered that most people aren't really interested in having a conversation with you. They'd rather talk about themselves. As social beings, they are tallying up whether they are gaining social points by being around certain types of people. So, now that geeks are the "in" people to hang around now, I am getting more socially conscious people conspicously talking to me just to be seen by others that they are hanging around someone who is smart. Maybe some of it might rub off and they'll know how to program the Tivo when they're done collecting points.

I may've said it before, it is the rare person who is genuinely interested in what you have to say. I know I try to find something of interest in what people tell me. They will usually have my attention for as long as that takes. After that, it is easy to engage my attention. I know how well that this is the case or I wouldn't have complete strangers willing to hang around me. In spite of that, I prefer to be around people who are naturally intelligent and willing to share what they know.

It's much like a parallel to the axiom that you are known by the friends whom you keep. You are as intelligent as the people you associate with. I like to think that being around such people stimulates you to do more, think faster, maybe even work harder. In such interaction, our collective intelligences are rubbed off upon each other and we improve in new areas that we begin understand.

I wonder if some of those social point collector's habits may rub off on me. Do I associate with people for social points? I certainly hope not. I would rather that in their association with me, they are bettered without beggaring me.

So, as I was saying before I started off on this tangent, I've been studying way too hard. I'm slowly becoming engulfed by bitterness over how my life isn't the exciting new adventure I had thought it could be. I continue to work towards bettering myself in the hope that I may once again rejoin that glorius road I left behind. Which is only interrupted when I step away from that path to interact with others, wondering if they will walk down that road with me awhile.

I think I will head out to happy hour tomorrow after that last final and just relax. Do nothing but watch people interact with each other and see what component I am missing. While there, I will do my best impression of tragically holding up the wall before it falls over on everyone. And see what comes my way.