Cold, Hard Facts

Well, there it is. It being the real hard facts of what women want. What they say is merely a defense against unwanted attention.

When all the cards are laid out, women want two things: Commitment and Security. All else is secondary. Now seeing a woman put up with a jerk makes so much more sense. I won't go out and call women the G--------- word. (It only happens to be a Kanye West and Jamie Foxx song title)

Yet, with this additional proof, it is hard not to have it sitting in the back of one's mind. It isn't how charming and witty one is, but how big a bank roll one has. I suppose it was inevitable.

Ah, another piece of my idealism has been stripped away. There is this aphorism that cynicism is the last defense of an idealist. I am beginning to wonder who exactly will be able to get past all these barriers that have evolved in my life to get close enough for me even think of dating.

Although, I might not be thinking of dating, I am certainly thinking of something. Yesterday, I attended a cousin's weding. I knew in advance that I would be among the handful of single young men there. I had already anticipated that no matter how single a woman attending a wedding is, she has, at the very least, a male companion, or is too young to be considered. So, I was a bit surprised by the number of females who I caught checking me out.

Ok, that's not exactly the full story. I am currently sporting a military-like haircut. If I were really in the military, I would be out of regulation and cited for its length. I have this intense look in my eyes that might give off the semblence of confidence that a soldier would exude, a soldier I have never been. Also, we were requested to dress romantically. I wore a tuxedo to the wedding. And probably out of character for me, I deliberately painted a smile on my face for no other reason than to confound the women. And did I mention that I drove up to the catering hall in this car?

Ok, ok, I was calling attention to myself. Albeit in a subtle way. I was still surprised that they looked though. And these women weren't so unattractive either. And here I thought I was done playing games when it came to women. I only offered the illusion of those two things they want. Seeing that I am unemployed, and not very trusting in women right now to offer anything like commitment. And those are cold, hard facts.

Whew, I need a break.

I've been busy this past week. Part of it is because I was working on the post production of the photos I took this past weekend, part of it is because my laptop hard drive decided that after doing all that work, that it had enough and gave up working. So, all that hard work had to be redone a second time around.

Oddly enough, the realization that I had lost all that hard work, plus a month's worth of class notes just before I had to take the first tests for the semester only sparked mild irritation. So much has gone on in thes past two years that this disaster didn't even faze me. I wonder if I am becoming innurred to this type of catastrophe.

Probably what is most depressing to me (actually, more like discouraging and disheartening) is that I was introduced to this photographer's work this week and I realize that I have a loooooong way to go before I can feel that I am at that level of skill and talent. That' won't stop me from setting the bar that high for the work I do in the future.

Ironically, it might also set me up to fail. I wonder if I have the creative vision that this young man has. At little more than half my age, he is travelling the world, earning money doing the things I want to be doing. I guess it must be nice to know what you want to do when you're young.

Which brings to mind that as nice as it is to have large amounts of ability, this excess of ability can make it hard for someone to decide what it is they want to do and stick with it. I mean look at me. I've done so much and I feel like I've accomplished so little. I look at this young talented teenager and I am floored by what he has already accomplished. I think it is time to start making up lost ground. A life without risk is one not worth living, as they say.

Foggy Bridge

This will have to be quick, as I am already late to getting on the road for the assignment I am supposed to do today. Instead of sharing my current thoughts, I'll share a captured thought from the past. And since we are now (on the calendar and not temperature wise) in fall, I offer this one. So, here goes:

I was looking through a number of old photos I had taken when I was younger. When I hadn't been attacked by doubt about my financial future, when good times were still something I looked forward to without worrying about how it would be paid for. I had stayed over at a friend's "country estate" in New Jersey. Actually, it was a farm that had been allowed to become fallow, making it into a natural sanctuary from the crazy pace of nearby NYC.

I woke up one morning and went for a morning hike. Only to discover this idyllic sight before my eyes part way through the hike.
I remember that I couldn't believe my eyes. Fortunately, I had my camera handy to capture what my eyes could not believe to remind me of that little bit of natural beauty. The cold, wintry day had caused the warmer water to fog up. So, there were the frozen fronds being lit by the rising sun and the fog lending a bit of mystery to the bridge I was about to cross.

Speaking of bridges crossed, this picture was taken just before I was laid off. Amazing, and sometimes wearying (or is that worrying) things have happened ever since that happened. Now that I no longer have this more recent job to hold me back from doing what I enjoy, I think I will go more deeply into the photography thing and see where it takes me.

Reality matching Imagination

Last week was a very busy week for me. I ended up doing two photo shoots, attended a conference for photographers in NYC, met some interesting (and famous) people there, and worked on another mitzvah. I feel safe in mentioning the conference, as I was one amongst 600 people there. (If that helps narrow down who I am for some of you.)

Even more promising is the fact that I have the entire upcoming weekend lined up with items to do and I am starting to feel like a photographer. I'll be trying my hand at a martial arts competition and perhaps shooting several models for a fashion designer. If I could only express in words how excited I am.

Last night, I could hardly sleep with the thoughts going through my mind of how I'd pose these models, what interesting things the fashion designer will be presenting and the understanding that I will be doing something that entirely has me grinning like a lunatic.

Before this, my employment as a photographer has only been to capture other people's celebrations. Now, I have an opportunity to participate in a more exciting and fast paced world. I only hope that all this excitement doesn't get burst by a reality that doesn't fit my imagination. I want to be like that young kid that walks away in wonder saying that this is exactly the way I imagined it.

Amazing how catastrophe has turned into opportunity, isn't it?

Master of Puppets

I had this rather startling thought while working on a digital slideshow for one of my clients. I had put together a sequence of photos that I had taken of a bride and groom during their wedding cake cutting ceremony. And to me, it looked like nothing more than an stop motion animation sequence you do with clay models.

Yeah, one pretty serious and heretical thought there. Worse yet, the consequential thought was that I was the master animator, contorting the clay models this way and that. And I would insist upon these contortions until the sequence of snapshots began to tell a story. Fortunately, this story is a happy one.

Yet, I couldn’t seem to ignore these thoughts that had popped into my mind. Kind of like being told to not think of a blue cow. (I challenge you now to not think of a cow that’s shaded blue all over.) And, I know, that when I next work on an assignment, I will be thinking of my blue cow. I wonder if it will make my client think I am weird or simply crazy.

It will be my on silent joke that no one who hasn’t read this post will understand. I am the master of puppets who pulls your strings! And you can’t stop thinking of that blue cow. *grin*

Amusing to note: From Pavarotti to Metallica in subsequent posts.

No longer three

I don't normally follow opera. However, the Three Tenors are rather iconic in the music industry, and it's kind of hard not to have heard of them. Well, no longer. One of the three has passed away.

Luciano Pavarotti has died at age 71

I suppose the show must go on. I wonder who they'll get to replace him. Well, as my profile says, I listen to just about anything.

Missing that joy of life

I've often wondered on why grand gestures are such a large part of what we consider attractive to in other people. Perhaps, another way to say this is that we are attracted to people who are unabashedly confident. Certain gestures connote that confidence, or more precisely, liveliness.

For instance, I was working on a rather unremarkable and tedious "refresher" lab for one of the classes I am taking. Sitting in my usual office at Panera bread, it offers a sweeping view of the parking lot (indeed, my office with a view). As I worked, a group of teenagers congregated around the front entrance.

Several teens exited from the premises and one of the young women gestured with her arms spread wide open and a smile on her face, which was aimed to the sunlight. They stood there for several minutes talking. I only noticed her because of her wild gesture and as I considered it, life affirming gesture.

I would say that her features, while pretty in a young way, had not matured into womanhood yet, and wasn't what would be considered classically beautiful. Yet, with her apparent joie de vivre, she was more attractive then the component parts that included her physical beauty. She had a ready smile which she bestowed easily on all of her friends, before she got into her car and drove off with them.

Put in that light, I recall one such woman that I tried dating and at the time, I couldn't understand how such a physically attractive woman could still be alone. When I met her, I recalled how pretty she seemed. Yet, I remember how hard it was to get her to talk about herself. Even as I made an effort to draw her out, I could recall the things she said brought strongly to my mind that she desired to be in a relationship.

So, it came as a surprise to me when she disclosed that she had been single for quite a while. As I spent some time with her, that time passed as if we were still strangers. I recall now how little she laughed at anything. I like to think I might be funny once in a while, but I couldn't get this woman to laugh. A faint smile once in a while was the best I could manage.

I didn't think she would ever be happy for the sake of being happy. Imagine a lifetime with someone who wouldn't laugh. I couldn't accept that. What made it worse was that a friend of her older brother who was less pretty, but laughed out loud and horsed around, attracted me far more. I can only imagine how angry she was with me when she saw my natural reaction, which was to respond in kind. The reason I say this is that she refuses to speak to me even now.

So, I guess I have to add another requirement to those that I already have for that future mate of my life. She has to be able to laugh, and more importantly, have a keen sense of joy for this life that we have in this world. I think I may well have consigned myself to bachelorhood with all these requirements.