I wish I could write like that...

I was looking over posts after the forced change over to see if they had been transferred correctly. I came across this gem of a post I hasd written about a year ago. I was amazed. I thought to myself, "Did I write this? It couldn't be me, it's perfect!"

The reason I had these thoughts is because this post concisely put everything I felt about this one subject in words without digressing or rambling. Everything tied in perfectly with each other. I brought several trains of thought together and by the end of the post, I had formed a unique idea that had meaning. It was balanced, poised, polished even. Probably the best post in the nearly two hundred posts I've put together in the past one and a half years.

As I read it, I wondered how I could consistently write like that. And I began to remeber how it happened. At the beginning of that year, I had ridden on a wild, wild rollercoaster of emotion, and had other people relying on me even when I could barely hold myself together. That was at the point where I had reached a precipice, just before everything in my life became really dark for me.

While I managed to weather that storm, I realized that there would be more dark moments in my life. More storms to harden my soul against, fighting to hold off the dark wave of despair. In fact, as I read the entire month of posts, I could see how close I came to breaking so many different times.

It's a pity that some of the people around me right now don't understand why I am different to them. If I were ever to show these posts to some of the people who know me then and know, they would understand. But the intimacy of these posts would end, because I am still that shy person, uncomfortable about sharing what I think and what I feel. In this relative anonymity, I can write what I really feel and need not defend myself against what others think.

So, I've remembered how I wrote like that. I was trying to stay afloat against wave after wave of adversity. This once, I think I won't wish for something that wouild make me better. Not because I couldn't withstand it again, but now that I know where that precipice is, there is no need to let myself near that edge just so that my literary genius can shine.