Hope is the denial of reality

When I was younger, I had a notion in my mind that I hoped against. It was based on a simple phrase. "If you wanted something done right, do it yourself." I vainly hoped that my experiences as a young adult were an anomaly. One that as I grew older, would change.

A few years ago, I had asked someone to help me work on a project. Not that I couldn't have done it all by myself, rather I wanted to share the experience with someone whom I thought was capable. Perhaps bring them to a level where I could rely on this person to do this project so that I might focus on something new. It wasn't something hard, since I had already trailblazed the initial path and all this person would be doing is following those steps.

So, I let loose the reins on the project and watched them to see how they handled things. To put it charitably, they botched it all up. After ten minutes, it was clear they hadn't put one iota of attention to what I had showed them. The spectacular effort I had put forth became a pile of missteps that became more and more evident to untrained observers.

I sat there watching the fiasco sick to my stomach. My name, my reputation sat upon the ineptitude of the person now bungling through what should have been a precise, not so intricate, series of changes that would have made the project appear seamless. Instead, it was horrifying for me to watch and quite apparent that mistakes were being made to every person observing the event.

Recently, I tried my best to arrange a similar project, though for a smaller group of people. This event was more geared towards learning instead of display. I still don't rely on anyone else to make the arrangements and I find myself worn out physically and mentally from all the running around during hours when I am not working my regular job.

I still hope that I might meet a few people who I can count on to do what I do best and not have to eat an entire roll of Tums to still my stomach. Yet, what is that quote again?

Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it.
"-Margaret Weis

Perhaps I do deny the reality that there isn't anyone around me right now who can do what I can do. I'm not sure if that is uplifting or just plain sad.

That danged old Father Time.

I recently worked a party recently as a second photographer. It was a bat mitzvah, a religious coming of age celebration for a young woman. I had a good time, working with kids, taking silly pictures and not worrying too much about doing any of the formal shots because that was someone else's job. In this case, the guy who hired me.

Today, I am going through all the pictures I took, culling out the bad shots. Usually, I remember every picture I took and the circumstances surrounding it. Like a picture I took of a girl with an silly expression, mouth wide open, and the lollipop she had in her mouth about to fall out. She had just been bumped by a boy from behind and she was actually falling foward as I took the picture. She regained her balance but lost the lollipop. It brought a chuckle when I remembered how she turned around and gave him a huge slap to the belly in retaliation.

There is another picture of another young girl that I took a picture of during this party. I remember that right after I took her picture, she turned away, walked three steps away and squealed at the top of her lungs. I had to bite my lip from laughing out loud. I knew at that moment that it was her emotions getting the better of her from trying not to embarrass herself in front of me. I can't say that I knew I had such an effect on anyone.

So it came as a surprise when I came across three pictures that I couldn't even remember taking. I mean the pictures were definitely on my camera. And I never put my camera down the entire night. So I knew I had taken it. Like a picture of a girl wearing shades and a lime green, fuzzy hat. I have no recollection of taking it at all. I was surprised that I was slipping.

Now I can imagine what you're thinking. He can remember each and every shot he took? Not really. It's just that when I look at a picture, the old brain brings the details back to me. Especially since I am entirely focused on taking pictures and looking for situations that will be fun and amusing. Especially for the family to look at after the party is over. When they can show it to the person in the picture and they can share a laugh over what happened.

I can look at a picture I took five years ago at christmas and once glance at a picture reminds me how I left the camera in my car trunk. The condensation created a misty ring around the edge of the lens for the next twenty minutes as I took pictures. And I can remember by looking at the picture that there wasn't snow on the ground that day.

So it was a big surprise to look at a picture and have no idea why I took it or what caused me to take the picture. It shouldn't be something I ought to worry about, since I know people who are my age who can't even remember what they had for lunch earlier in the day. But, it is disturbing. Father Time stealing bits and pieces of me away.

New advocate for uniforms in school?

Ok. I felt a little prudish writing about the latest fashion in the malls in my last post. Recently, I have been working in a few high schools, our last bastion of free, mandatory, formal education as an assistant to a photographer. (Which means I lug in all the equipment, set it all up and take all the pictures while he tells me what to do.) My thoughts will have to be brief, largely to maintain my anonymity.

All I can say is that it's far worse in the schools then at the malls, possibly because of the higher concentration of young adults. I am amazed that these young women don't spend all of their time with their hands covering their crotches for the amount of clothing they wear. I've never been an advocate of uniforms in school, but I'm starting to come around to it.

I lost count of how many times I had to pretend I didn't see anything while taking their picture. I'm scandalized. That's all there is to it.