For old time's sake

I went over to a friend's house on Friday night and kind of celebrated the new year (again) with them. Somehow the conversation turned to the topic of me being the only single guy in the room. Felt really comfortable about that. I kept dodging the issue, but finally caved in to explain to them why I was still single.

I recounted (only slightly embellished) some of the recent potential females I was involved with. There was that two timing wench, engineering girl, and the old friend. By the of the second story (I didn't actually say anything about the third, as some of them knew her), one of them turned to me and said between laughs, "What were you thinking?" For a moment, time seemed to stop as the question echoed in my mind.

What am I thinking? Just reviewing these stories in the process of finding the links again, the memories came flooding back. How did the span of a year erase the unhappiness I felt over those busted relationships? I don't deny that the frustration of trying to find a job in a job market that has been flooded with unemployed people has pushed the thought of relationships onto the back burner. But how could I forget what has befallen me?

Do I really think I'm ready for another attempt? Perhaps, I don't have someone to cling to when times have been hard, but somehow I weathered through them and managed to retain a sense of humor over it. The real question for me is: do I really need a relationship or is the external pressure to see me married still harrying my heels even as I try to rebuild my life after four years of turmoil?

I have to admit that for once, I wish I hadn't been brought those stories back, even for old times sake. I'm saddened because I recognize the walls I've built up after each disappointment, and I really wonder if I would let them down again. Even as I embark on a project to see what it is I want in a relationship. Could it be that this is the real reason I am having so much trouble writing about it? It means lowering those walls? Maybe I am better off being single.