Scratch, Scratch

Last month, I wrote that I was going in a new direction. I didn't forget that. I just have a terrible case of writer's block. This decision to go in a bold new path was harder than I thought. I had thought that I knew myself well enough to write about this topic but it has been rife with new introspection that has frustrated my attempts to put into words what I want in a relationship.

I have written and rewritten the first post several times and still, I want to rip it up when I re-read it. Writing about my own feelings is more fraught with peril than I had ever expected. Fighting my own reluctance to say it all in words and then see how trite it appears was both enlightening and disheartening. It called into question how much below the surface I have really scratched.

Perhaps it's just the frustration of yet another stumbling block that has me feeling less than happy about myself. Or it could be that as I walk into the hardest employment environment in my lifetime and knowing that the reason I am not getting interviews is because other desperate people are fighting for the same position. No denying that it is a buyer's market for jobs right now.

Of course, the lack of a job means I have more time to write. Or more time to focus on what you can't write about. I mean, how do you describe what you want in a relationship is to always be eager to have the opportunity to interact with that someone? To look forward to the next time we meet? To know that when they aren't in your presence, they still bring a smile to your face is what I want. It sounds like I want to be a lovestruck puppy.

How to enumerate the qualities that this person must have when you don't know what it is that you want? Do I discount appearance, because as a photographer, that is what I concern myself with? Or as an engineer, am I looking into this idea too much? Does looking into what I want show who I am or just my needs at that time in my life?

I've actually started talking to myself. I know, everyone does that. Either to redo a conversation from the past or to prepare oneself for one. I do that too. However, this time, I am doing something different. I am asking myself hypothetical questions about what I want and then just answering with whatever comes to mind. Kind of hoping that my subconsciousness might have a better solution.

I haven't been altogether pleased with what I've answered with. I don't exactly sound like a saint in those ruminations. I've been contemplating that I should do something like recording myself, but not sure I really want such a record of my thoughts. Moreover, I am not sure if it's really what I want or trying to convince myself that it is what I want.

So it brings me back to the issue of this post. I've written all of this and I still don't have any answers. I have scratched at the surface to see what is underneath and scratched some more to see what was below that. And still nothing to show for it. I wonder how deep I need to scratch (or is it dig?) to find those buried answers within myself.