Things that need sorting through

Yesterday was a very long day. I didn't get home from work until 4 AM. Yet, as I tried to chase sleep, I kept tossing and turning. My mind disturbed by the course of events that happened yesterday. I decided to write about it now since my sleep deprived mind won't let me rest.

A few days ago, a very good friend of mine had asked me to pick up some papers and books from a mutual friend of ours on Saturday morning. That was yesterday. Since I didn't have to head off to work until late afternoon, I agreed to do this. Partly as a favor for my friend and for the opportunity to see this mutual friend.

You see, this mutual friend is a female. In the past few years, I have entertained thoughts of asking her out and the times I have spent with her have been pleasant. More than pleasant, really. However, in the past year, she has become engaged to a guy I can't find any fault with. Following my usual policy, I've stayed away from her to protect my sanity and keep any thoughts I might have had about her far from my mind.

So, the obvious question is why I would look forward to seeing her again despite my policy. Well, when I first met her, I had one of those moments of instant attraction. I actually pulled my good friend aside and asked "Who is she?" This reaction has happened perhaps twice in my life up to now. Besides the physical attraction, she exhibited a quiet, abstracted gentleness that I found appealing. And, I have to add, she is far more intelligent than I am. If I had ever met someone who came closest to meeting what I needed in a lifelong companion and mate, she was it.

And she had become engaged to someone else. Boy can I really pick them or what? This is, I suspect, another one that I somehow let get away from me in the time I've been blogging. While the first one quite upset me, it caught me unaware. I dare not consider what state I'll be in after this one does the same.

Anyway, enough with this aside. I went by her apartment to pick up the papers and such yesterday morning. When she opened the door, I was greeted with a sight that is burned into my mind. Apparently, she had awaken that morning and saw no reason to change out of what she normally slept in. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail. She was wearing a formfitting, navy baby t-shirt and a bright yellow pair of shorts that stopped well short of being decent.

As she smiled and gave me a hug, I stammered my greeting. I was trying very hard not to let my mind wander where the primal part of my mind was screaming for attention. She told me that it had been a long time since we had spoken and insisted that I stay for a while to talk. She then insisted on making me lunch and told me to have a seat on a bar stool in the kitchen. She laughed and observed that this way she could talk to me while she made lunch.

As she went about making something to eat, I tried to keep my mind on the conversation and ignore the clamoring in the back of my head that I should do something. Something that involved holding her in my arms. Perhaps go even further. Though my mind demanded that I do these things, my body remained parked on that stool as I attempted to be light hearted as we conversed.

Another aside: In this re-telling, I suddenly understand too well an observation by a friend from high school that I was a very tightly controlled person. I have never had to grasp my heart by a fist so tightly to not say something that would indicate that I was unhappy that she had found happiness. It is not a pleasant thing to do. Yet as tightly as I controlled my heart and mouth, I could not close my eyes. Perhaps that observation wasn't so on the mark after all.

As I was saying, I sat on the stool talking. She went about making up a caesar salad and last night's grilled chicken. And I watched, all the while hoping that I could retain my composure.

As we ate, we talked some more until I could no longer stay. I reminded her gently that I had to go to work soon. She instantly jumped up and went to get the papers. I can't even do justice with words to the purely physical reaction to her sudden action. I am just glad she didn't see my eyes nearly pop out of my skull. I took the few seconds to compose myself, rose and then followed her to the door. She gave me a quick hug before I put on my jacket and stepped out the door.

As I walked numbly away from her door, I thought to myself that I probably needed a cold shower after that visual barrage. Then, an unwelcome thought came to the fore of my mind. Why did I not have someone like that in my life, whom, at the very sight of, my eyes could devour every moment I spent with them without such guilt? Then despair dripped its icy fingers down on my soul as I walked out into the cold when I realized that I might very well miss out on such an opportunity. The hot tears of frustration started to form at the corners of my eyes and by a force of will, I held them at bay as I drove off to my friend's house.

There, my friend asked me what was wrong, since I seemed so distracted. I told him that it was something I had to sort through in my mind before I could talk about it. If I ever could.