A world less traveled.

It's half past midnight. I'm sitting here alone. It's cold here in my apartment, surrounded by concrete walls. I'm listening to the rain that's falling, and it sounds like water running over some rocks in a stream. I'm in a contemplative mood right now. I don't want to do anymore school work and I'm not sleepy.

A few minutes ago, I turned off the radio because a song they were playing had struck a chord, and the emotion began to resonate in my soul. What song, you ask? Stacy Orrico's More to Life. I've been saying that to myself quite often lately. Why do I chase happiness?

I keep telling myself that I need to be patient. That the constant worrying about how to pay the bills will end when I finish what I've started. When the road, which nears its end, leads me to that place where my worries will disappear and all will be right. And. I. Will. Be. Happy.

Of course, I'm too damn practical to accept such a fairytale. I know that once I complete this degree, come Christmas time, I'll be broke, still looking for a job, and having no excuses for why I am still not where I want to be. On top of that, I'm nursing this shoulder injury that hampers my ability to work any physical type of jobs. And I still will worry because they won't go away with a snap of my fingers.

I'm walking that narrow path between irrational optimism and rational pessimism and I'm not sure that I want to go to either side. I'm angry at the hand I've been dealt, and fully aware that this world owes me no favors. Most frustrating of all, I know of no one around me that is strong enough or willing to hear about these feelings I hold within.

While this tempest rages inside of me, a thought comes to the fore that chills me. It freezes that roiling cloud of emotions and challenges me. Am I afraid to meet this new change in my life? A smile appears on my face as I realize that I am now that wanderer in Frost's poem who stands at a fork in his life.

Will I lament on that road I left behind, that path less traveled? I don't know and now I am weary. Maybe if I just sleep on it...