Self improvement

I walked out of my classroom on my way home last night and I spotted a couple sitting in an alcove in the lobby sitting there having a conversation. The girl was dressed in a red ferrari hat, with a yellow collared blouse and light blue jeans. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail through the back of the cap. The guy was sitting perpendicular to her and dressed in a gray zippered fleece sweater (I didn't think it was cool enough to warrant a fleece, but that is what he was wearing) with a pair of blue jeans. His head was uncovered, and his hair was gelled or oiled into ringlets. They were sitting there, chatting away about something, laughing at some comment the other had made, and the only reason I noticed them at all was because the couple paused in their conversation and to glance at me as I walked up.

As I walked on by, I thought to myself (after mentally noting that she was on the pretty side), I don't do that anymore. I'm so wound up with worrying about the things going on in my life. I'm trying to keep up with the, seemingly, endless amount of work my professors like to pile on top of me, working as a roadie, looking for a used car that won't be a money pit, and trying valiantly, but probably unsuccessfully, to keep in touch with friends, close and otherwise, that I have made in my lifetime. I feel so anxious that I can't sit still for a few minutes without thinking of something else that needs attending to.

What don't I do anymore? I don't relax. I don't sit around and just talk about anything that crosses my mind. I'm not sitting in some alcove talking into the night about ideas, how I am feeling, or doing relaxing things with someone to pass the time.

That was another me, in another lifetime. The demands of life have intruded. There was a time when the only money I needed was for eating out or going out and interacting with others. In fact, I haven't really relaxed since I got out of college the first time around. It's no wonder that a skill like small talk, which requires constant practice, has atrophied. Now, I notice when I talk to someone, that I don't really have much to say. I spend most of my time listening to other people talk.

I've stated in the past that I don't know what to talk about because I have been engrossed in myself. I don't spend my time brushing up on current froms of entertainment. Probably with good reason, some of the stuff that's been coming out isn't worth watching. If something doesn't interest me, I have a hard time keeping my attention on talking about it.

Even as my relationship prospects are improving, I don't know what to talk about. For example, earlier today, I spent much of the day studying. However, I also had an appointment with engineering girl to help her study for a class I had breezed through last year. When she showed up, we spoke about the class, compared tests, went over examples and mainly talked about engineering things. Amazing how little we spoke about things outside of class. How little I had to say about anything at all. I felt that I was repeating myself like a broken record.

One of the best things about knowing someone who knows the same thing as you do is the ability to share some cool new gadget you just got. So, when I showed her this new gadget I bought, she was suitably impressed with it. But what happens when I meet someone who tells me that she's interested in collecting antiques? It's certainly not something I am interested in.

How do I keep a conversation going with someone who doesn't care what network bridges and managed switches do? For someone whose eyes glaze when I talk about what a band pass filter is, I don't doubt they feel the same way I feel when someone regales me with the latest development on the some new financial scandal. I have already seen up close what human greed causes people to do.

Have I focused myself so narrowly that all I can think and speak about are engineering subjects? Can I ever relax and just talk about how my life has been going? Will I ever be able to overcome my introverted reserve to talk about anything that doesn't interest me?

The catch in wanting to de-focus and relax is, of course, losing focus on getting through my engineering program. If I let myself dwell on my feelings, will I feel that I don't really want to finish this lab or finish reading those six chapters? If I spend my time whiling away the night, will I be rested enough to take those exams? If I stop sacrificing, will I suddenly come upon a large sum of money?

I'm not in panic mode, yet these questions came to mind as I thought on it more as I drove home. I have always had that unceasing goal of improving myself in some area. The question becomes what do I do now to improve myself in this area without affecting everything else? Can I split myself in anymore ways? I don't know.