In a rut.

*grin* I'm still in a melancholic mood.  So bear with me as I try to exorcise this mood with some cathartic musings.

I earned a degree in engineering, largely working weeknights and weekends at several jobs to pay for it as well as my living expenses.  I got this degree mostly to satisfy my parents, though in some part to finish what I started as a badge of pride.  I might as well use the paper upon which the degree was conferred to me as toilet paper since I haven't been able to find employment with it.

However, I've found, at the very least, contentment if not happiness working as a photographer.  While I have to be on location at a certain time, I am never in the same location for more than a day or two.  The opportunity to see something new every day and not be stuck behind a desk truly appeals to me.  While I can't ever say that I work an eight hour day (often twelve to fifteen), I am doing something I am passionate about and enjoy.  So, except for the trip back to the main office to drop off media, I can say that I'm hardly working.  Yet, aside from that enjoyment, I barely eke by with lots of help from family. 

I know I'm stuck in a rut and I'm just frustrated enough to want out but not enough to be motivated to get out.  Part of the indecision is because I'm, for once, enjoying what I do and I would give that up to move on.  It's a conundrum that I don't know how to easily solve.  About twice a year, I resolve to find something new that will keep me from being in such prostrated position and twice a year, when the money stops coming in, I lose my resolve.

I fear the impending certainty that I can't continue to live like this for much longer is already leeching away my enjoyment and even my joy will become a bitter regret.