New Demeanor

So, it finally happened, I guess. I knew that being unemployed was weighing down upon me, but I didn’t realize how much until I walked into my favorite office and got a surprising reaction from someone else. There is this young woman that happens to be in the same area I happen to sit in at Panera and she has a very generous and outgoing personality.

I’ve had time to observe her these past couple of months because she is a regular here and I can attest to her amicable personality. She has a ready smile and all of the managers take time to greet her when she is here. Come to think of it, I remember that it used to be the same way for me when I started writing this blog. Though, I must say that over the course of three years time, the managers here have changed since I declared this my “office” and I don't know the new ones as well.

She and I do not know each other’s name, but in the past few months, we have shared a few words, though mostly a request to watch each other’s laptops so that the other could use the rest room. Every single time I’ve had the chance to speak to her or see her look at me, I have seen a smile on her face. I realized that each time I’ve looked her way, my demeanor wasn’t a smiling or friendly one.

You wonder why I haven’t asked her out, perhaps? In the past couple of years, I know that I made a conscious decision not to entertain a relationship because I wanted to focus on the school work and attain my degree. (We won’t rehash the disasters I’ve experienced during that time either.) It meant, especially towards the end of 2007, avoiding even giving an opening for anyone to insert themselves into my life. Now that I can barely make ends meet, I can’t afford to have a relationship as I mentioned in a past post. I can only consider such a topic in a theoretical fashion.

Besides, I’ve already met her boyfriend, sort of. Rather, I’ve seen the same guy share her table quite often and their relationship appears to be more than just friends. Besides, someone with such a sunny personality doesn’t stay single for very long, if ever. Some old axiom about being able to catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

These are some solid reasons for why I am single, even as I repeatedly express my desire to be in a relationship. I really hope that these won’t become habitual and cause me to remain single, should I ever get back on stable ground. That would be a terrible irony that I don’t need stacked atop of what I already have gone through.

Anyway, I walked in, heading towards my accustomed table in the restaurant. She had just finished waving at a baby as she walked back to her seat. She looked up with a smile you often have when looking at a cute baby and when she saw my face, her smile melted away. My first reaction was mild amusement, but as I sat down and got settled, I realized that I must have been glowering as I walked in.

I know that in observing human behavior, that the first unguarded expression upon someone’s face when they see you (before it changes into a smile of greeting) is often a reflection of their real feelings. This is part of the body language that we unconsciously note upon looking at each other. (However, in New York City, this is more likely a defense mechanism.) I am pretty sure it’s been well documented, but I don’t want to do the research to back this up.

Such as it is, my expression now mirrors my concern over my poor prospects of future employment that I can’t even hide it anymore. Nor, it seems, can I smile in return when someone smiles at me. I also have to admit that I have never scared away a smile before. It is sort of unexpected that I am doing this unconsciously.

I wonder if this means that I have stopped clinging to the hope that some company will hire me for the skills and talent I have. I suppose time will tell.