The parole of a shy person: June 2008

Friday, June 27, 2008

Because we're not perfect

I am sitting in the backyard, sipping from a beer and barbequing my dinner because I never could afford to replace the air conditioner that broke on me last summer. Inside, the heat is like a hot, stifling blanket. While I sat there waiting for the chicken wings to cook, I heard a young voice singing from a few houses over.

I couldn't see her because there are fences between me and the house next to mine. I couldn't really understand what she was singing as she moved back and forth through her yard. All of a sudden, I could hear her clearly as she must have turned in my direction. And I heard her sing, "Because we're not perfect," before she turned away and became unintelligible once more.

For some reason, it struck a nerve. It made me smile. One of those sad, understanding smiles. Where I knew full well that this girl had no idea what she was singing about. Then I heard her father call out to her, telling her to come inside for dinner.

As I sat outside alone, though in the company of the chirping birds, I felt the familiar bitter disappointment start to creep into my mind. I could feel the despair over how little control I had in my life. Stuck in a spiralling descent of needing to find work and being unable to even get the attention of those who are looking for workers.

I took another sip from my quickly warming beer and decided that I would worry about dinner for now. I told myself that I would try to discipline my mind, reminding myself that tomorrow, it would be a better day. It just has to be.

As I checked on the wings, I hoped to myself that Life treats fairly with that young girl. I hoped that disappointment doesn't reign in her life, dragging her down with despair. Who the heck am I kidding here? As in the lyrics that young girl sang, we're not perfect. Life isn't perfect. And hoping against reality is nothing more than an exercise in futility.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

The way I am seeing things.

I find that lately, I am having trouble articulating myself and saying what I mean, let alone what I feel. I also have been having a lot of trouble feeling very optimistic right now about my future. A number of setbacks have taken the air from the sails of my recent successes as a photographer.

Perhaps, I was a bit too gungho about following this career. Work has slowed to a stop and I am seriously contemplating on looking for a part time job to supplement the photography work. This would mean that I couldn't devote the time to improve myself or my craft. It also means that I won't have the time to look for more paying work.

It also makes me wonder if all of us who live on this planet have to make choices from bad options and worse ones. Must sacrifice and compromise accompany everything we do? Did my dreams so far outstrip my reality? Was the bar of my expectations so high? Unfortunately, there is no hiding from these questions. Sleeping on it will not make them any clearer or solve the problems that plague me.

I feel like I am stuck in place no matter how hard I strive and I begin to wonder if I need someone to help me take that first step forward towards progress. That I cannot ever be successful if I go it alone. Ironic, now that I am more alone than I have ever been.

It's not to say that my friends have abandoned me, more that I no longer can maintain the illusion that things are going well with me. I spend too much time staring off into the distance to make my friends comfortable and they are sensitive enough to recognize my unhappiness. Why should I inflict my dismay with the cards I have been dealt recently and dampen their happiness with life. You might say that that is what friends are for, but I also recognize that their burdens shouldn't include my own.

I recently spent some time talking to an elderly couple, both retired and enjoying their life as grandparents. After my conversation with them, they realized how difficult the economy has become and I realized how negatively I am seeing things in my life right now. This can't continue and I have no idea how to turn it around.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Toughing it out.

This past weekend, I had something I suffered from something I have never had before in my life. I had a painful swelling of the joint on my big toe of my right foot. Also known as gout. It was so bad that when I woke up Saturday morning, it was because of the pain I felt and not because I was ready to be awake.

I hoped the pain would subside after taking some Alleve because I had to work later that day. This would also be the first time I would be working completely alone on a job (and without that DJ company). The worst of it was that I couldn't find anyone to cover me on such short notice.

While I iced my then swollen foot, I did some online research of the symptoms. When the matrix led me to gout as the likely reason for the throbbing pain in my right foot, the first thought I had was, "Hey, I don't eat well enough to get this!" After researching the causes of gout (which, in fact, isn't necessarily caused by eating rich foods as it turns out), I discovered that I was a likely candidate for getting it. And the best part was the expected remedy. Rest and time. Two weeks to be exact for the pain to fade away.

It also turned out that four of the eight reasons listed as likely causes included stress, crash diets, joint injury, and high blood pressure. Well, there's no need to explain the first cause. I don't suffer from crash diets exactly, more like a feast or famine diet. I injured the joint in question while in high school playing soccer and just played through it. I doubt it ever healed correctly. In fact, when I look at it now, the big toe sort of curves to the right and under the next toe. I also have a family history of high blood pressure on one side.

To explain that part about my eating habits, I must also point out that in the past six months, I have lost nearly twenty pounds. Something I seemed to recall mentioning in a previous post but didn't. I also don't want pity for what I am about to describe about my current eating habits either.

The reason for this is simple. There are weeks where paying for all the bills leaves me very little to spend on food. To exacerbate that issue from lack of funds, on weekends when I am working my typical twelve to fifteen hour days, I often don't have the opportunity to eat at some of the events because I am either too busy to stop for food or because some of the companies I work for expressly prohibit eating the client's food. (Otherwise, I stuff myself and hope the calories and protein lasts until the next party. *grin*)

So, some weekends I don't eat anything but breakfast. On weekdays, depending on how much money I have, I may eat nothing but baked potatoes supplemented with vitamins. I know, I know, this isn't the most nutritional diet. Some weeks, I can afford to purchase more nutritional foods and that helps. But the point is that the extreme variation in my diet hasn't made things consistent. I also should point out that I do mooch off my parents on a regular basis, so I'm getting a few healthy meals during the week.

In light of what I read about gout and based on my recent history mostly shared here, I am amazed that I haven't suffered this condition more often. To be honest, I'd have expected that it would hit me on a regular basis. And much sooner than it had.

As for the job, I toughed it out. While OD'ed on mega-doses of ibuprofen (1500 mg). I bumped into a volunteer firefighter who was kind enough to put an ace bandage around my foot. That helped me get through the party. At the end of the night I could barely stand. I had to drive home using my left foot, which made for a very jerky ride, I tell you. Almost as if I were learning to drive all over again.

When I got home and removed the bandage, I almost passed out from the pain. I have to say that was a new experience. Then re-wrapping the foot in a new bandage caused me to shudder in pain for over an hour. Despite the large amounts of ibuprofen in my system. I spent the rest of the night drifting in and out of sleep because of the pain. The next day, I forced myself to rehydrate by drinking a gallon of water over the course of the day.

Surprisingly, when I removed the bandage on that morning, the swelling had gone down and I could walk again. Albeit with a serious limp. I still had redness as well as swelling around the joint and my foot looked like Mickey Mouse's red shoe, but the throbbing from the joint was bearable. However, it was sensitive to everything that touched the skin. I also had a slight fever that broke later that night.

Today, I am mostly recovered from it and I barely have a hint of a limp. The redness and swelling have gone down to the point that my foot looks recognizably like a foot again! I still have a pins and needles feeling going throughout the entire foot, but hardly any pain. I couldn't imagine being a pro football player and dealing with such pain for months. I'm glad I was able to tough it out for one day, let alone for an entire season with such pain.