Feelings at war with each other

Yesterday, in the part of Long Island where I am working, there were sunshowers on and off all day. I was amused by the novelty of seeing the sun out and being rained upon by the few dark clouds in the sky as I went about my lunch hour. It was as if Mother Nature couldn't make up her mind on which emotion she was feeling that day. Kind of like us humans having mixed emotions.

In my case, I'm not the type of person who has to conflicting emotions at once. If I'm happy, angry or sad, there's no room for any other feelings. I have only had the opportunity to experience the feeling where two emotions arose at once. I have to admit, I was quite overcome, and it took hours to sort those feelings out. Now. that's not to say I haven't written about mixed feelings before, but those mixed feelings sorted themselves out much more quickly, and I didn't have as much attachment to that particular set of feelings.

Of course, the object that evoked this new sensation was a woman. When we first met, I had been chasing this other woman for a couple of years without much success. This other woman had been leading me on, teasing me with a flirtatious nature that kept me wondering if I would ever find myself in a realtionship with her.

I was tired of the game that couples play when they chase each other. Tired of the hinting, the teasing, the sexual tension that was never relieved, and the constant "Is she or isn't she" that kept going on. In effect, I was in a "I hate all women" funk. (Yeah guys have them too.)

So, on the day I met this new person in my life, I had been feeling down and a bit put off by women in general. My friends and I were sitting in the hallway of our apartment complex and just chitchatting. There was a new tenant on the floor and we wanted to see who he or she was. She came out and introduced herself as Dina (not her real name) and sat down to join in on the discussion we were having.

With the mood I was in, I was saying things with a braggadocio that I wasn't accustomed to in front of these people. I said a few things that generally weren't flattering to women and clearly showing to the world how I felt about women at that moment. For the most part, I really didn't believe the things I was saying, but I said them anyway. (This is part of what I had mentioned earlier about feeling one emotion at a time) All the while, my newest neighbor sat there with a smile on her face as she listened to me spout that garbage out.

Have you ever gotten that feeling that you're bluffing and the person you're trying to bluff knows that you're bluffing? I had that feeling at that moment. Dina knew that I was just saying them without really meaning them. I could see it in her smiling blue eyes.

Fast forward to a few days later, I had asked Dina out on a date (which included dumping the other female faster than you can say "Get lost!") and we hit it off. I had her laughing at my jokes and I had a memorable evening without a hint of a tease or flirtatious gesture. It was exactly what I wanted. I felt like she could read my mind.

We went out for a few months, enjoying each other's company, when my lease came up and the landlord had doubled the price of the lease. I couldn't afford to live in that apartment anymore. I reluctantly packed up my things and moved to a cheaper apartment across town. At this point, that amazing relationship I had enjoyed started to disintegrate.

It was then that I discovered that the very proximity of our apartments meant that our relationship didn't need the formality of visiting. If we wanted to see each other, we would walk down the hall and knock on the door and come in. Now, if I went to see her, I had to be buzzed in and if she went to see me, she would require an escort through my new neighborhood. (I had moved to a less safer part of town.)

Eventually, we grew further apart. We both saw that things were coming to an end, and mutually decided to end the relationship. While we were still friends, the inconvience of distance strangled our relationship.

Now, I'll get to the part about how I felt conflicting and mixed feelings. A year later, I had moved closer to home (aka Long Island) and I lost touch with her. One of my friends decided to have a get together and invited me to his apartment.

Well, when I walked into that apartment, as I saw her sitting there talking to another friend of mine, she turned to look and when she saw me, ran over and gave me a great big, warm and welcoming hug. Two feelings warred for dominance and came out in a draw. I was all too happy to see her again and I was terribly saddened that what we had together was lost.

I nearly burst out in tears on the spot at that moment. I would have been hard pressed to say if they would have been tears of joy or sadness. As I mentioned before, it took me a while to regain my composure. Even now, as I write this, the thoughts bring back those emotions and I am fighting back tears on touching that old wound. Perhaps, by writing this out, I can begin the cathartic healing I need.

I wish I could offer a happy ending here, but as you all know, I am still searching, and still wondering if I will find someone who would be by my side to share in the memories and experiences of my life. Later on that night, I learned that she had found another who made her happy, and when I drove home that night, I avoided thinking about what might have been.

So, there, that is my only experience with emotions so strong that none could dominate and come to the fore. I wonder if others have felt so strongly such conflicted emotions. I hope that in sharing my experience, I might learn from others if such feelings are more commonplace.