Don't know what you've got until it's gone

Alright, alright. I admit it. I am jealous. There's no use in denying it anymore. As is usually the case, you generally don't want something until it is no longer yours to have.

It's a bit vague, so I should (and will) explain a bit better. As some of the people who have been reading for a while, I've been writing about several females that have expressed interest in me lately. I've been in a "wait and see" mode because of several reasons of my own.

It has been said that feeling regret is a sign that wisdom has been gained. In the matters dealing with women, I think I must be one of the wisest men on this planet (or the greatest fool). So what, if I ignored the advice of people who have suggested that I go and ask the girl out. After the last episode, rushing into things hasn't been a good idea for me.

You all remember engineering girl. She is one amongst the many women I have met in my life who not only holds her own in field dominated by men, but also has the intellect to master the subject matter on her own without relying on her uniqueness. (For those who don't get it, she's the only female in a room full of guys.) She's one of those people who isn't fazed by the attention she garners either.

As the semester started, one of the guys in my class that I hadn't met before made a concerted effort to get to know her better. Since this wasn't the first time that a guy had tried to be more than friendly with her, I didn't concern myself at all. Little did I know about the advantages he had. Those advantages consisted of being able to speak her native tongue, looking like a personal trainer and having the willingness to ask her for help. (There is, unfortunately, no way that I could ever counterfeit the appearance of not knowing the subject matter, so this one is a big advantage, as I well know.)

Instead of the usual polite conversation that centered around school work before she gravitated back to me, she was receptive to his advances. She spent the next half hour talking to him in a foreign language that I couldn't understand. As the days continued, he would make a point of speaking to her in their shared native language on matters I could only begin to guess at, and I could do nothing but try to ignore it.

In the past few weeks, I have watched her share long conversations with him, share meals with him, laugh at his quiet jokes, and when we received assignments back, show her grades to him first. I tried listening to music loudly and focusing on my work to avoid being distracted as these two budding love birds create their new relationship together. The only problem is that the random song that came on when I turned it up happened to be Mandy by Barry Mannilow. Ouch.

Helplessly, I've watched her increase the time she spends with him, and seen her waiting for him to leave class so that she can walk with him, all the while, conversing in their native tongue. I've turned around to ask her a question and would realize that she wasn't there to answer me. We used to walk to our cars together, now, as soon as class lets out, she walks out with him.

I suspect that had this happened outside of class where I didn't see them together four days a week, I wouldn't be bothered very much. This is not the first time she has told me about some boy she found interesting, so it wouldn't have been anything I'd feel threatend by. Having a front row seat to their shared steps towards a relationship is much harder to manage or stomach for that matter.

So, I've finally admitted it. I am jealous. I didn't realize how much I appreciated her continued presence until she found someone to draw her away. The true catch 22 about this situation is that she is first and foremost, a friend, so I want her to be happy. I don't want to let my own selfish feelings create unhappiness for her. And in this case, this happiness might well be found without me.