A car is your life.

I've been very busy lately, trying to pull my life back together after my car accident.  I wasn't injured, beyond the financial loss of my car.  However, as the months have passed, I begin to realize how much my life revolved around having a car.

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Dream a happy dream

So, in my last post, I mentioned that my car had gotten wrecked.  It happened in November, but I was too busy scrambling for ways to get transportation for work to post about it when it happened.  I finally got it back from the collision shop this week.  The reason I got it back isn't a good one though, they told me they didn't want to fix it because of the huge expense to repair it properly.
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Another year and the world didn't end!

So, as the year draws to an end, we can all breath a sigh of relief (or cry in despair) that the world has not come to an end.  For me, this was a year of momentous changes.  Both high and low.

For instance, I became a first time uncle this year.  My car was wrecked by an inattentive driver.  I made the decision to leave my extremely exploitive position at the photo studio on my terms which has taken the burden of being frustrated over screw ups off my back.  And my grandfather, the last of my grandparents passed away.
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The zone of memory

I've done something tremendously and utterly stupid tonight.  I spent much of my evening in that inebriated zone betwixt happy and sad.  Which is not that stupid at all.  No, the stupid part came when I decided I was in the mood for some music and loaded up a playlist consisting of just about every sappy love song I own.

Only forty minutes into the playlist and I'm already maudlin and wondering if I made the right decision to be single right now.  Not too terrible yet?  Well, then I got to thinking if I could remember what it was like to touch and hold someone intimately and that's when I realized I'd done something utterly stupid.
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Having a bad day

There are times where nothing you can do is going to work out right. You do your best and it's just not good enough. You think everything is going alright and suddenly you realize your fifty steps behind.

And then there are the times when you try to improvise and the result is a dud. I won't share the embarrassing details, but the short version of the story is that I tried to fly by the seat of my pants on something that required a lot more attention to detail then I gave it and I didn't get anywhere close to my standards.

However, the embarrassing part is that I know the reason behind my sub-standard performance.  I've lost my focus on the job at hand.  I just don't care.  I want and need to be doing something else.

In all, I've just had a very bad day and I only have myself to blame.

Articulate, not complain

So, as I've tried to write draft after draft to post here, I realized I missed another month.  While I tried to collect my thoughts and articulate what I felt, I realized that one of my stumbling blocks to completing my posts is that I could not find anything positive in them.  They all sounded like complaining.  And I know from my years of working as a customer service representative that no one really wants to hear someone else complain.

In other words, I need to find myself in a better situation to turn my complaints into something positive.  I guess I have some work ahead of me.

What I really mean to say is

I've been quiet lately, I know.  It's not that I don't have anything to say.  It's that I have had a very hard time distilling what I've been feeling into words.

A disquieting thought has been bouncing around in my head and its elusiveness is the reason I've just stopped writing.  I needed time to get a good grasp upon it and mull it over in my mind.  What is it?  Doubt.  Self-doubt to be more precise.
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Unsupported

I just came across an email conversation I had with a family member about doing a free portrait session for their newborn a few months ago.  Since I'm related to the father (a paternal cousin), I kept the dialogue going with him as I didn't know his wife very well.

Basically, I made my pitch, gave him everything for free and I explained to him that in order to capture the best possible images, this session would need to happen in the first two to three weeks after the baby was born.  In  response, I received the "Let me think about it" email.  All I could do was respect his wishes and wait.
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The unhappiest of happy news

So, today, I received some happy news.  I am going to be an uncle.  And for about an hour, I was truly happy and excited about this.

Until I reflected upon the implications it had for me.  I know, I know. I shouldn't be putting things in such a selfish context.  Just be happy and be in the moment.  And I was during that entire hour.
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