Curiosity may have killed this cat.

I was reminiscing with an old friend about the good old days of our youth, when we started talking about friends we had lost contact with over the intervening years. On a whim, I chose to satiate my curiousity and googled these "lost" friends to see what I could find. The results were surprising in some respects and some were expected from the last information I had about them. Some have become lawyers, doctors, physical therapists, professors, marketing consultants, professional singers, art directors, teachers, civil engineers and social workers. It's amazing the breadth of professions that my group of friends have taken root in.

This is when my curiousity got the better of me. I decided to google for an old flame from college at a time when the world didn't look so scary, and planes didn't fly into buildings on purpose. It was heartwarming to read past emails that have gotten woven into the tapestry of the internet and hear those words spoken in my mind as if time had not gone by. And ever so heart wrenching. Truly, I was very much saddened when she stopped being part of my life and reading these emails brought back that sadness.

Before the internet record ended, I saw some clues that hint at things which leads me to believe that she has gotten engaged and probably married. I am happy for her. I am also unhappy as well because I am aware that another door in my past has closed. If I didn't know the meaning of bittersweet before this, I know it now when I see that another flame has guttered out.

It's not that she and I cannot ever be friends again. I'm sure that such a flame can be rekindled. However, I prefer to follow a strict policy of staying away from any woman who has made such a serious commitment to another person. Especially those I have dated before, there's much less temptation that way. This also means that I have few female friends in my life now, seeing that many of them are getting married.

I can joke with the guys and say that they are being sentenced for life when they get married. But how can you joke about a wall of silence that must be built up between you and a female friend who is getting married to another man? How do you explain this unusual and uncharacteristic silence to them? How do you see that woman at functions and explain why the usual jokes and suggestions can't be said anymore? I can only hope they understand, because I don't think I'd be able to explain the reasons very well to them. Heck, I can't explain them well enough to myself at times.

You may disagree with my policy which alienates women and pushes them away from my personal circle. However, I know I can't always tell when I am crossing the line between what is acceptable and what is not. When you realize that your casual friendship suddenly means more to you then it should. Worse yet, I don't want to cross that line and create a situation that burns a bridge of friendship.

It may seem like an unnecessary worry, but it is something that I concern myself with. Since I can understand the friction that results within a relationship when another (perceived) suitor may be around, I don't wish to be the cause of such friction. Especially if said suitor might harbor feelings for that woman and this suitor is a friend of the groom. Love is an invisible winding path through a minefield, I am beginning to realize.

I can't begin to describe how hard it was to look happy for the couple as I sat alone in a pew surrounded by their families and friends during the wedding. Having to be silent in that church as I watched them give their vows to each other. To smile with feigned pleasure as they danced their first dance. To see her glowing smile as she looked into his face. To share a toast for their enduring happiness as they came around to each table with apple cider, since they don't drink alcohol. That's right. To be entirely sober and watch as they enjoyed the beginning of their journey together.

I felt like such a liar. A fraud. Repressing my urge to blurt out that, "I care for you in that way, too!" To hear the words, "Forever hold your peace," and know that this couple will never learn from me that I have such feelings. Feelings which continue to smolder within my heart, despite my best efforts to stamp them out. Knowing that I must go on living without that which I permitted to slip into another's arms. In retrospect, being sober probably made it easier to hold in my emotions. I probably would have been bawling like a baby if I were under the influence.

And to compound my saddness and current feelings of loneliness: I just realized that I am listening to Andrew Lloyd Weber's Learn To Be Lonely, which is part of the Phantom of the Opera movie soundtrack, as I write this. Excuse me now as I go wallow in my own self pity. Especially now that this train wreck has derailed. I will leave you with a transcription of this melancholy song:

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Never dream that out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known
Your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the Wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love
Life that is lived
Alone

Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone